A girl can dream...

So, I've had the future on my mind a lot lately (go figure on that one, eh?) and I've found a few of my "dreams" for the future. I'd like to share some of them with you.

My Dream House:

I've always wanted an old victorian and this one is perfect. I love the size, the angles, and the fact that it has 5 bedrooms. All in all, fantastic.

My dream cars (practical and impractical):

The Porsche is obviously my impractical dream car, the Subaru is actually attainable...

My dream ring:

The best part is: over 2 carats worth of stones and only $700. Man, I love fake diamonds!

My dream kitchen:

Simple, sunny, and gorgeous. I love it.

My dream jobs:

And until I can have that particular job, I'll take this one:

So, my friends, just a few of my hopes and dreams for the future. I guess I'll just wait and see which of them come to pass...

Wait and see

This week I was inspired by an episode of Scrubs. Silly? Yes. But let me share what I learned...

I am not a "wait and see" person. Pretty much the moment I feel like I know what I need to do I jump right in and get 'er done. I don't beat around the bush over-thinking things, I don't sit around waiting for life to happen to me.

Well, when it comes to recent events in my life it has been incredibly hard for me to not just jump right in and act on what I feel like I need to do. I feel like I know what Heavenly Father has in store for me, I feel like I know what path I need to take, and I feel like I know what steps I need to take to get there. So, for the boy, we'll call him Greasemonkey, to be so unsure of what to do is frustrating to me. I realize I can't force him to see things the way I do, I know that I have to wait for him to draw his own conclusions from the incredible experience we had.

My issue with the whole experience is that I am a firm believer in everything happening for a reason, especially in the temple. There is no such thing as chance or coincidence. We pray, we receive answers, we act, and we are blessed. I feel like I know why this particular experience happened, but he's still not sure. He's so busy analyzing it looking for a deeper meaning that he's missing what's right there on the surface: we both went in praying about what to do with our respective love interests, we were asked to do sealings, kneeling across the altar from each other felt right, and we both got the feeling that the Lord was trying to tell us something. Granted, I was already several steps ahead of him by being interested in him.

He says he just doesn't feel that "spark" with me. Now, I have a theory on this matter... we're both very physically-oriented people. When it comes to the 5 love languages we are both very much "physical touch" people. We have yet to explore that aspect of our "relationship". We've never held hands, we've hugged maybe twice in the 4 months we've known each other, and we've definitely never kissed. We cuddle occasionally, but it's just not the same. My theory is that the "spark" is going to continue to be missing until we finally venture into the great unknown of kissing, etc. (And believe me, I want to!). I think Greasemonkey is always going to view me as just a friend until he makes an attempt to make me more than that.

So, herein lies the problem: he's a "wait and see" person. He feels like we should just continue on the way we've been going and see what develops. I want to act. And here, we've arrived at an impasse.

So I guess for the time being I'll wait and see, and maybe someday (hopefully sooner rather than later) he'll decide to cross over to my side of things and take some action. (And in the process give me some action ;) ).

Like Sands Through the Hourglass

Wow, what an interesting few weeks it has been. So much has happened, and I have so much I feel the need to write about. The question is: Where do I start?

I guess I'll start with the biggest event of recent days... I went through the Salt Lake temple on Saturday and recieved my endowment. It was a very special day that I've been preparing for for a long time. It also just so happened to fall on the day of President Hinckley's funeral. I figure what better way is there to honor the "temple prophet" than to go to the temple on that day. It was a wonderful afternoon spent with family and friends, and I know that I will be blessed for keeping the covenants I made that day. I feel so blessed to be a member of a church that utilizes temples. It is so comforting for me to know that I have a place where I can go to be surrounded by the spirit, converse with my Heavenly Father, and recieve answers to prayers. On that note, I'll move on to the second big event of recent days...

I wanted to do another temple session soon after receiving my endowment, just so I could better focus on the whole process. Well, I decided that on Tuesday I would go do another session. A close male friend of mine offered to come with me since he had the day off work. Well, I happen to have a bit (okay a lot) of a thing for this particular friend, but he hasn't been reciprocating the feelings. Well, I went to the temple on Tuesday in fasting and prayer, specifically looking for an answer to whether I should continue to pursue something with him or not. Let me tell you, I got my answer loud and clear. I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason, especially in the temple. There is no such thing as coincidence. Well, as soon as we walked in the door, the sweet little man scanning recommends asked us if we'd be willing to help out with sealings. We said we'd be glad to help, and went to get dressed. Obviously, the little wheels inside my head were turning at this point. I knew Heavenly Father was trying to tell me something, and I was going to do my best to pick up what he was throwing down. My friend and I went up to the sealing room and patiently waited our turn. The moment we knelt across the altar from each other it all fell together for me. I knew I had my answer.

Later, as we were walking back to his car to go run some errands he looked at me and said, "Well, that was about the strangest day at the temple I've ever had." Not having much to compare it to I asked him to elaborate. He smiled at me and said, "Do you think the Lord is trying to tell us something?" I laughed, and told him that I'd received the same message. We talked about it a little further, ran our errands, and moved on with our day. Well, last night we went out to dinner and spent some time together and we talked about it again. He's still not sure about what the Lord was trying to tell him... I'll wait patiently til he figures it out. :) If nothing else the whole experience strengthened my testimony that the Lord hears our prayers and answers them, not always in the way we expect.

Well, my friends, that's about all I can think of for now. Just know that life is good. I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I can definitely see the Lord's hand in my life everyday. I will for sure keep you all posted on things to come. Know that I think of each of you daily and pray for you.

Much love, my friends!

Pushing through the dry spell...

So, for the last little while my life has had a complete lack of any sort of physical relationship. Not gonna lie, kind of dying right now. So, instead of forgetting about it, here are a few quotes on the subject of kissing:

"If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt." ~ Thomas Carlyle

"A kiss without a hug is like a flower without the fragrance."

'"May I print a kiss on your lips?" I said,
And she nodded her full permission:
So we went to press and I rather guess
We printed a full edition.' ~John Lilientha

"Kissing is like drinking salted water. You drink, and your thirst increases." ~Chinese Proverb

"It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner." ~Ladies Home Journal 1948

"A man's kiss is his signature." ~Mae West

"A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know." ~Mistinquette

"Kisses are like tears, the only real ones are the ones you can't hold back."

" Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last." ~Remy De Gourmont

So, my friends... if you have someone to kiss, please do it.

Much love!

Secrets, secrets are no fun...

I swear, if I didn't know better, I'd think I was living in a Nickelodeon teenage soap opera. My life has secret crushes, disease, disaster, friendship problems, make-outs that screw things up, and so much more... about the only thing I'm missing is a pregnant 16 year old named Jamie Lynne. Okay, so that might be taking it a little far.

There is a theory I've heard that bad things happen in threes: Natural disasters, death, personal issues, etc. This week will be the test on whether this particular theory holds true in my own life.

Bad Thing #1: The Dreaded Phone Call... I won't go into anymore detail than that, except that my life hasn't been the same since. I'll let you know if and when this particular issue resolves.

Bad Thing #2: The Ultimate Back-Burner Girl... Yes, this is my lot in life. Not only did I waste my entire vacation, but I came back home more stressed than when I left. A vacation shouldn't do that to you. Of course, someone you consider your best friend shouldn't do what he did, either. Sorry, I realize I'm being totally cryptic, but this all makes sense in my head. If you want more information let me know and I'll fill you in.

Bad Thing #3: The Suicide... I recieved word last night that a friend of mine in St. George killed herself this week after learning about her much younger husband's affair with a teenager. It just made me realize that life is short. She left behind three already somewhat screwed up kids, a family and friends that care about her, and what could've been the remainder of a great life. Maybe it's just me, and I realize this is going to sound harsh, but I have a hard time mustering up sympathy for someone who doesn't have better problem solving skills. My first reaction would've been to leave the lying, cheating, low-down bastard... not drive my car off a cliff. Maybe it's just me. Anyway, I know she can't read this where she is now, but Kolette, this is for you: I'm sorry you felt like you had nowhere else to turn. I hope you've found the peace you were so desperately seeking.

In other news, despite the recent piling up of stressful events, I'm surprisingly calm and at ease with my world. I'm happier than I've been in a long time, and I think it's because I've finally let go. I'm giving myself the opportunity to grow, change, and be happy by myself. Life is good, I really don't have much to complain about, and I feel a change in the winds.

Please, keep me in your prayers as I face the continuous mounting of challenges while Satan tests what I'm really made of.

Much love!

Growing pains

He brings out the best in me.

He makes me laugh when I am down.
He gives me a shoulder to cry on when I can't hold back the tears.
He gives me "that look" out of the blue.
He always knows just what I need to hear, even when I don't want to hear it.
He treats me like a queen, even when I don't deserve it.
He always knows how to make me smile.
Even his bad habits don't annoy me.
He is a fantastic kisser.
Our hands just fit together.
He can take it as well as dish it out.
He'll rescue me when I'm in a bind.
He knows how to push my buttons to get what he wants.
He gives me a place to stay when I have nowhere to go.
He is my refuge from the storm.
He brings out my temper.
He has no idea how amazing I am.
He'll buy me dinner.
We make a great team.

He brings out the best in me, unfortunately he also brings out the worst in me. Maybe he'll realize what he had once it's gone.

Then again, maybe not.

Fear Not...

Have you ever experienced that gut-clenching, heart-wrenching, complete, and total feeling of fear?

There are certain times in my life that I experience such terror. It takes a lot to ruffle my feathers, really it does, but there are certain things that scare me beyond all reason. A few of these things have been introduced into my life this past week and consequently I've been living in a state of constant fear for the last 7 days.

There are parts of me that think fear is a very selfish emotion, and yet it is one I can't help feeling. They say faith is the opposite of fear, and maybe I don't have enough faith, but I do not like being scared. Honestly, these are issues that I feel I need to deal with on my own, anyhow. They are very much of the physical world, and I feel would be trifling to anyone else. Don't get me wrong, I pray about them regularly, seek answers in the scriptures and other places, but at the same time feel as though these are things I need to just wait out.

There is something of a worrier in me by nature, and maybe this is my problem. I have quite the talent for turning molehills into mountains. Unfortunately, pessimism is a large part of my personality and I automatically have a tendency to think the worst. I've found that sometimes the only way to overcome this particular problem is to surround myself with those I love, pray for the best, and enjoy the parts of life that don't terrify me.

So, here I sit, in one of my favorite places in the whole world, my home away from home, surrounded by friends that I love and who love me, and I hope and pray for the best.

And yet again, I wait for the fear to subside.