Another year, come and gone...

It's the middle of the night and I really should be in bed asleep, but for some strange reason I feel compelled to write. I have so many thoughts rattling around inside my head just waiting to get out. It's been a big year for me, so I'd like to take a few moments and share the highlights with you.

I spent most of this year learning how to be a grown up. It was a frightening, sometimes painful, and all around exhilarating experience. I experienced many things this year, some of them good, some of them bad. I lived, I loved, I laughed, I cried, I made life changing decisions, I made a few bad choices, I prayed, I lost myself, I found myself, and most of all: I discovered that I'm okay being who I am.

Not only was this a big year for emotional growth, but it was a huge year for "temporal" growth as well. I graduated from college, received my RN, bought a new car, bought a house, started a new job, and so many other things.

Now I'd like to take just a moment and steal an idea from my cousin/roommate Greg's blog and list 100 things that I loved this year:

My first pair of designer shoes
Having more than one place to call home
New best friends
Old best friends
Great roommates
Eliot, my car
Scrubs (the t.v. show)
Scrubs (the clothing item)
Reading the classics
Reading the occasional trashy romance novel
Lake Powell Vacations
Henna tattoos
The beach
Sweaters with fur on the hood
Getting something I've wanted for years
Pink feather boas
Super soft bathrobes
Monthly pedicures
Friends' blogs
Decorating
My new big bed
Soft sheets
Monkey
Keeping a journal
Blogging
My coworkers
Chick-flicks
Old jewelry
Homemade jewelry
Gerber daisies
Unexpected hugs
Talking til 4 in the morning
Textual Innuendo
Texting one person all day and not getting bored
Family parties
Zebra stripes
Polka dots
Having long hair
Dancing whenever, wherever
Being a rockstar in my car
Being the life of the party without even trying
Knowing I'm loved
Temple prep
Laptops
The ipod
Finding new bands I love
Finding new albums from bands I've loved for a long time
"Love you long time!"
When my friends have "Annicka Days"
Popcorn with extra butter
Tuesday night movies in Hurricane
Sunday dinner with my family (my Hurricane family and my Salt Lake family)
Spooning
Making up stories for unexplained bruises
Playing spoons at work
Going from dark, to blond, to redhead, and back to dark
Sunday crushes
Sunday crushes that turn out to be more than that
Reconnecting with old friends
Watching my friends find love
Searching for love
Utah football
Going to games with my family
Hockey game dates
Seeing my friends and family "find themselves"
Being happy
Laughing til my stomach hurts
Laughing til I can't breathe
Dinner parties
Ugly sweaters
Comfy pants
The lovesac
5 love languages
Other people's life stories
"Steven Tyler!"
Random road trips to Idaho
Black and white photography
The zoo
Giving good advice
Being a shoulder to cry on
Having a shoulder to cry on
Paint chips on the wall for 3 months
Wii
Facebook status updates
Myspace surveys
Being asked to take engagement photos for a friend
Lunch with the Brighton Babes
Cute boots
Ambient lighting
Transformers
Butch Walker
"California is raining, let's go to Mexico"
Underwear shopping
Ikea
Learning to cook
Watching it rain
"Yo' Momma!"
Giving strange anatomy lessons
Being "The New Girl"
Finally learning that I am a strong, proud, beautiful, independent daughter of God, and I am worth it!

I hope everyone had a fantastic 2007, and here's looking up your old address for 2008!

To love is the greatest gift of all

A few thoughts on love...

From the novel A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers:
"'Love,' this English word: like other English words it has tense. 'Loved' or 'will love' or 'have loved.' All these specific tenses mean Love is time-limited thing. Not infinite. It only exist in particular period of time. In Chinese, Love is ai. It has no tense. No past and future. Love in Chinese means a being, a situation, a circumstance. Love is existence, holding past and future.
If our love existed in Chinese tense, then it will last for ever. It will be infinite."

"Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction."
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Why love if losing hurts so much? We love to know that we are not alone."
- C.S. Lewis

"Love—is anterior to Life—
Posterior—to Death—
Initial of Creation, and
The Exponent of Earth—"
- Emily Dickinson

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
- Henry David Thoreau

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
-Ingrid Bergman (This quote is a personal favorite)

"In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you want the other person."
- Margaret Anderson

"Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...
You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something dumb one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
-Rose Walker (This is for anyone who's ever had their heart broken.)

And now a few thoughts of my own:
Without love we are nothing. When a human is deprived of the giving and receiving of love it stunts their physical, spiritual, mental, and emotional growth. It is necessary to human survival. To love, and to be loved, is the greatest opportunity in this world and the world to come. Don't take that opportunity for granted.

Nurse Annie Strikes Again

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately on the subject of why I became a nurse. It's been on my mind quite a lot and then I received an anonymous comment on my last blog that really got the wheels turning. The comment went as follows:

Dear Annabelle,

I stumbled upon your blog while sifting through a google search and I wanted to ask you for some advice, if it isnt too much trouble. I love to read, write, and travel but I have been considering joining the field of nursing. Being a nurse, what drew you into the field what direction do you plan to take your career?

Dear anonymous- This is for you:

I've wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember. As a child I didn't really know any nurses, but my grandmother was a retired nurse. Like any other child I went through various job-desire phases, but nursing is always what I returned to.

In high school, despite being more drawn to history/english/music classes I took the courses I would need to help me get a good jump on getting into nursing school. Like you, I love to read, write, and travel. For me, however, those were always more hobbies and interests than job options. I felt like if I pursued and english-oriented field I would lose my love for and desire to pursue the subject.

In all honesty, however, my love of reading and writing was my salvation in nursing school. Despite the hands-on qualities of the profession nursing school was made up of a lot of paper writing and textbook reading. This definitely worked to my advantage, however, since those areas are my fortes.

As for the travel aspect, there are lots of travel options available in nursing. There are many travel agencies that are always looking for RN's to join their agency. This is a prospect I have looked into somewhat. Generally they require 2 years of floor nursing experience. The great thing about travel nursing is that generally you work a 36-hour week made up of three 12-hour shifts a week. This leaves a lot of free time for exploring wherever it is that you've been sent to work.

As far as future career options go: I'd really like to be a stay-at-home mom. The flexibility of nursing will allow me to stay at home with my kids (once I finally have some) during the week and work a few night shifts to keep my benefits. It is the ideal profession to work around having a family. This is actually one of the main reasons I chose nursing, in the end.

So, my dear Anonymous, there you have it: my life story as told through the eyes of a nurse. I truly love my profession, love the fact that I get to help people everyday, love that I only work 3 nights a week and I get full-time hours, and I love that it allows me to support myself. Nursing truly is my passion, and I hope I've helped you, if even just a little, to find yours.

Simply having a wonderful Christmastime...

Merry Christmas to my few blog followers! What a day, week, and really, entire month it has been. I have been so busy, but loving every minute of it. My entire family is home for the holiday, and I love that. It's so great to have all four kids, both parents, and even the dog under one roof for a few days. I realize that I only live about 5 minutes from my parents house (hey, it's still my own place!), but I spent last night and will be spending tonight at home for the holidays. So what if I'm sleeping on a mattress on the floor of my little sister's bedroom. We never had to share a room when we didn't get along, so why shouldn't we share one now that we do.

The most exciting update (for me, anyway) is that I'm writing this blog post from my very own, brand new laptop. I'm totally stoked to now be able to update you all from my bed. That's right, my bed. Thank you parents, Aunt Mary, and Santa for making this personal dream of mine a reality. (Joking about the personal dream, not joking about the laptop)

Second update: I had a FANTASTIC time last weekend when the crew came up to visit from St. George. Despite spending all day Saturday tossing up the contents of my stomach, I still had a great time. I love spending time with them, and it was so good to see them and feel like part of a group again. They are some of my most favorite people in the world and spending a weekend with them was just what I needed. It was quite an eventful weekend, so I'll spare you the details, but just know that if you want an... interesting... insight into my current state of affairs you are more than welcome to ask for more details. I'll just leave it at the fact that it was a GREAT weekend.

Third item of note: I brought a boy to my family's Christmas Eve bash (insert shock and awe here). A good friend of mine really didn't have anywhere to go for Christmas Eve, despite having family here in town, so he came to my family's party to eat and hang out and have a good time. He was a big hit. The little ones loved him (he's going to be a great dad someday, and I fell for him just a little further at that point), my parents adore him (my mom wants him to wise up and marry me), and I have quite the crush on him myself. We've been out on a few dates, he celebrates Christmas with my family, we can talk about anything for hours, and he makes it a point to see me several times a week... sounds almost like we're dating. Maybe someone should clue him in... (it won't be me. I'm forward, but not that forward). Such is the story of my life, once again I'm the cool chick friend. He'll figure out how amazing I am one of these days.

Well, that's enough updates from the home front. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! I love you all, and miss those of you I haven't seen lately. Best wishes for the New Year!

Much love!

On my mind...

I'd like to take a moment to expound upon to mystery of a bridesmaid dress. Who made the decision that they need to be shiny? Inevitably somebody's somewhat overweight cousin/ sister/ friend/ girl- you- don't- really- know- but- your- real- maid- of- honor- shattered- her- pelvis- line- dancing (and that's not to say Julia Roberts is overweight, I think she looks fantastic in that movie) gets squeezed into some sort of shimmering tube in which she is expected to wait hand and foot upon the bride. It think this is a huge oversight on the part of wedding planners everywhere. I mean, really, I know you want to bride to shine, it's her day, she shouldn't be overshadowed, blahblahblah, but you think that when the bride and groom look back on their wedding pictures in 10, 20, 50 years you don't want them to go, "Oh, honey, what were we thinking? That chubby bridesmaid looks like Miss Piggy in that dress!" And if the dress isn't shiny it has some sort of awful pattern that looks like it came off the discount rack at K-Mart, not that I have anything against the discount rack at K-Mart. I just think that a wedding is something for which you should make an attempt at class. (As I side note, I apologize for the somewhat harsh tone of the above paragraph. I've been catching up on my gofugyourself reading and may have adopted the authors' style.)

I think child leashes are unneccesary. Unless your kid is a hyper-hypo, like Phillip, then I say go for it.

So I was talking to my mom this week about a coworker of hers, in her early thirties, who constantly laments the fact that she's not married. She feels as though she's being punished for something, etc. I, personally, take issue with this attitude a bit. I think that marriage isn't a reward or a punishment for anything, and it will happen when it's supposed to. I feel like until she changes this attitude about herself she won't ever get married. Desperation is not attractive... in anyone. Anyway, my mom was talking to her about it and said to her, in reference to me, "You know, I have a very independent daughter who may never get married, and that's okay. She has a career, she and a cousin bought a house, and her life is good. She doesn't let being single define who she is, it's just a state of being. And you know, if she does ever get married it'll probably be to someone who's been married before, probably someone with a few kids." Well thank you, mom, for the vote of confidence in my ability to be insta-mommy, but you really think I may never get married? A little disheartening when your mom has lost some hope in you before you even hit 23.

Tonight is my Ugly Sweater Christmas Party. I couldn't be more excited. Lots of my friends in ugly sweaters. Christmastime doesn't get better than that.

Today is the day! Finally! After months of planning, waiting, and being super excited it's finally here. The day my friends from St. George come to spend the weekend. (Okay, so there might be an interesting boy involved as well...maybe I should put the mistletoe to good use.) An update to follow later, probably in a few days.

Much love, and Merry Christmas to all!

I'm it? Apparently...

I got tagged, so here it is, kids:

What I was doing 10 years ago: Let's see, 10 years ago I would've been 12, almost 13. I thought I was so grown up! I was probably begging my mom to let me wear make up, acting like I was better than my younger siblings, and helping take care of the then 9 month old baby that was McKay. I would've been in 7th grade, so I probably thought I was pretty cool to be out of elementary school at that time.

What I was doing 5 years ago: Hmm...I would've been 17, almost 18, and in my senior year of High School. I was singing with the A'cappella choir and December was a busy month for us, so I was participating in a lot of performances. At this point in time I was also finishing up all of my scholarship applications, and trying to have some fun amongst all the senior year craziness.

One year ago: One year ago I was living in St. George and just getting ready to start my last semester of nursing school. This was also about the time that I decided I would be moving back up north after I graduated. At the time I didn't feel like I had many friends to keep me in St. George. I was working as an LPN at the hospital in St. George, and really itching to graduate.

Yesterday: Hmmm, yesterday was Monday...I slept til about 1 or 2 since I worked all night sunday night. Then I did a little shopping (for myself, I needed boots), ate dinner at my parents house, did a little Christmas shopping, and then just sort of hung out til bedtime. I know, I lead a very exciting life.

5 snacks I enjoy: Ice cream, pickles, tortilla chips, fruit snacks, leftovers.

5 things I would do if I had $100 Million: Build my dream house, pay off my car, invest, and take care of any debt that my family has. This includes the future educations of my siblings, and my brothers' missions.

5 places I would run away to: San Diego, Italy, Hurricane, Ogden (it's where my best friend lives, don't judge.), or Brighton

5 TV shows I like: Scrubs, CSI, Sex and the City, That 70s Show, Law and Order SVU

5 things I hate doing: Being Cold, eating tomatoes, feeling guilty, being alone for extended periods of time, planning parties that no one comes to

5 biggest joys of the moment: My family, my friends (especially the ones coming to visit this weekend!), my job, my photography, and my house!

I'm supposed to tag 5 people, but I don't think 5 people read my blog...so if you want to do this go ahead.

Feeling better

Sorry about the truly depressing tone of my last post. I've really been struggling lately with feelings of acceptance, blahblahblah. I'm feeling much better now.

I spent some time this week with some good girlfriends. We went to dinner, and then went and saw Stardust. It was fantastic! I love that movie. It was also so great to spend some time with the girls. For the first time in awhile I felt accepted, wanted, and like people wanted to be around me. Granted, I had to plan the little get-together, but it was still so much fun and so nice to get out of the house. We also made some plans for future activites, a girl's night, and some other things. It feels good to have friends in my same city again.

I've also started to catch the Christmas spirit a little more. My shopping is mostly done, which is good. That makes me feel like I can focus a little more on what the season is really about. I love driving down the street and seeing houses all lit up, snowmen, and Christmas trees in windows. I love coming home to a house that smells like Christmas. Greg and I finally got our tree decorated (okay, Greg decorated the tree) and our house is all decked out. It looks awesome! I love walking in from a snowstorm to a house that's warm, cozy, Christmasy, and smells good. There are few things in this world that are better than that.

I'm also excited for this coming weekend. One of my favorite people in the whole entire world is coming to stay the weekend with me (yes, it's a boy). I've been looking forward to this visit for months and I haven't seen him since July. This is far too long, let me tell you. He, and probably a few other friends, are going to come stay with me for a few days. While they are here we are throwing an Ugly Sweater Christmas Party (everyone's invited, come play!), going to see the lights on temple square, and just having an all around good time. Okay, part of me wants to catch him under the mistletoe, too. I can't help it...

I had a long talk with a friend this week about marriage, dating, relationships, etc. It really made me feel better. She had a lot of very insightful things to say to me and really seemed to understand my feelings, apprehensions, and wishes on the subject. I feel much better and much more at ease about the whole situation.

Anyway, that's about all I have to update on at the moment. I hope everyone is having a fantastic holiday season. Love you all!

So Unsettled

Something in my life isn't quite right, I don't know what it is. Lately I've just felt "off".

I've been overly emotional. The smallest things will set me off, I cry over nothing, I laugh too hard at things that aren't funny, and I'm even more easily annoyed than normal. Despite being overly emotional, however, I feel completely apathetic and lackluster about making any change.

Temporally, things are good. The condo is great, as is living with Greg. I much prefer living with a guy than living with girls. The utter lack of drama and backstabbing is such a relief. My job, while not my dream job, is perfectly fine for the time being. My family is good, and I love spending time with them. Being around them is about the only time I feel "normal" anymore. Maybe that's why I spend so much time at their house. I have friends, and while we don't hang out every night, I feel that my social life is picking up.

Spiritually I feel okay, too. I'm doing better about doing the basics: reading scriptures, praying, building a relationship with my Heavenly Father, preparing to go to the temple, etc. I feel closer to my Savior and my Father in Heaven than I have in a long time. I feel His hand in my life, guiding me in my choices and trials daily.

It's Christmastime, which I love. I love the selfless and giving spirit of the Christmas season. It's one of the few times that I feel like everyone is thinking about someone other than themselves. I love everything that comes with the season, except snow and crowds. I love the food, the decorations, the giving of gifts, the time spent with family, all of it. I love it that our Savior is thought about, talked about, and studied more at this time of year than any other.

Despite all of this, I'm lonely. There, I said it. I spend a lot of time by myself, and I get lonely. Working the night shift I'm home all day, every day. This is a lot of time without other human contact. Not only am I lonely in that way, I'm lonely for a relationship. I got thinking about it the other night and I realized that it's been 2 years since my last relationship. I've dated other guys in that 2 years, but no one exclusively. I miss the things that come with having a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down by any means, but it'd be nice to have someone there. Someone to cuddle up next to and watch a movie. Someone to just sit with and be in the moment. I miss having my hand held. I miss good-night kisses. I miss an arm around my shoulders in church or at the movies. I even miss taking someone home to meet my family. I'm finally in a place in my life where I'm ready for a relationship and I'm all alone.

How's that for irony?

Inspired by...Oprah?

So, yesterday my mom and I were watching Oprah, which is unusual in and of itself since we never watch Oprah. It happened to be her "favorite things" show. That, coupled with a blog from my good friend Paris, and this Thanksgiving holiday inspired me to take a few minutes and list for you some of my favorite things and some of the things I'm most grateful for.

First and foremost, I'm grateful for my parents. They are such an inspiration to me for how to live a good and full life. They are also such a fantastic example for me of what sort of marriage I want. They are so loving, kind, caring and giving. My dad is such a wonderful man with a great sense of humor and a big heart. His one main concern in life is taking care of his loved ones and he will do whatever he can to make sure that we are safe, protected, and well taken care of. My mom is such a great example to me of kindness and concern for others. She does whatever she can to make sure that those around her feel involved, loved, and cared for. She is a great example to me of how to be a good mom and how to balance all of the challenges life throws at her. Everyone says that they dread turning into their parents, but I look forward to maturing into mine.

Secondly I'm grateful for my siblings. Maddie is a fantastic example of perseverance, strength, and courage. She is hard working and fun to be around. I'm so glad that on top of being sisters, we are friends. Zach is such a good example of service and hard work. He is definitely following in Dad's footsteps of taking care of those around him. He is one of the greatest 18 year old kids I know. McKay is always having fun. He is my little buddy and I'm so glad that we get to spend so much time together now. I look forward to Wednesday afternoons when I get to pick him up from school and we get to hang out together for awhile. Our trips to the library have become some of my favorite times as well. I'm so blessed to have such great siblings.

Third I'm grateful for great friends. They are all so patient with me as I struggle through life's challenges, and they are all so willing to give me guidance, advice, and love as I need it. I'm especially grateful to Ally who has spent the last 10 years being there for me and helping me through tough times. She is the best best friend a girl could ask for and I'm so grateful she's a part of my life. I'm also especially grateful for Colt, who always knows what I need to hear and isn't afraid to say it to me even if I don't want to hear it. He's the first one in line to make me smile if I'm having a bad day, and he's also the first to offer a shoulder to cry on. I have so many other friends that I'm grateful for in their own ways, it would take me 17 and a half blog posts just to list them all. Thank you, to each of you, for everything you do for me. Know that it does not go unappreciated and that I pray for each of you daily. You are all, truly, the greatest friends a girl could ask for. Thanks for being who you are.

I'm also so grateful for my beautiful home. (That's not my house in the picture, but it's pretty close.) It's so nice to have a place to call home, where I can go for peace and quiet, where I feel safe, and that is (at least half) mine. While I'm on the subject I'm also grateful for my wonderful roommate and cousin Greg. He is such a fantastic roommate who lets me have my space, do my own thing, but is still available if I ever need anything. Thanks, Greg, for always being the presence in the other room. :)

I am also so grateful for the gospel in my life. Everyday I learn something new about myself and returning to my Heavenly Father. I am preparing myself to go to the temple and recieve my endowment (January, hopefully), and growing closer to Father in Heaven and my Savior everyday. I am so grateful for living prophets on the earth today, and for the counsel and guidance we recieve from them. I am grateful for inspired priesthood leaders. Mostly, I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ, who suffered for my sins, died for me, and was resurrected for me. I am grateful for that sacrifice and that it gives me the potential to return to my eternal family and live with them again. I am so grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who has a hand in my life and who cares about me and what I am doing, who guides me through life's choices and hard places. I am also so grateful for eternal marriage and eternal families and hope that I can start one of my own someday.

And now on to a few of my favorite things:

I love pedicures. It is my favorite way to pamper myself and I have one done at least once a month. I've become a bit of a snob about it, actually, I won't really even paint my own toenails anymore. The asian women I go see have the pedicure down to be the most relaxing half hour of my month. Purely fantastic, really. Plus, there are few things I enjoy as much as taking off my shoes after a hard night at work and seeing cute little daisies peeking up at me from my toenails. Sign me up for a pedicure any day!

The lovesac-esque bean bag in my living room. It is quickly becoming my favorite place in the house. Whether it's for a nap, to read a book, watching a movie, or just cuddling up next to someone (I wish), this little invention is fabulous! I think everyone needs one in their life.

This is my new favorite book. I'll be honest, I was somewhat skeptical going into it. I didn't think that every person could be put into one of five categories, but I've become a firm believer in this theory. I recommend that everyone read some version of The Five Love Languages. It will change the way you view yourself, the way you interact with others, and the way you make and build relationships of every kind. It has changed my interactions with coworkers, family, friends, and new acquaintances. It has also changed the way I look at and maintain romantic relationships. It helped me understand what I need to work on, what I crave, what I need, and what I should avoid. I've already put these teaching to work in my life and I've seen the effects. Truly life changing, my friends, go out and read it...soon.

As ugly as these shoes are they are one of the most amazing things I've ever found. As a nurse, I spend a lot of time on my feet. These shoes have helped eliminate back and foot aches, relieved sore muscles, and made my life all around more comfortable. If you don't have a pair, go get some. They may make your feet look like boats, but you honestly feel like you're walking on a cloud. So worth it.

This is my new best friend. I'm not even joking. My ipod, along with my skull-candy headphones, goes everywhere with me. I never leave home without it, and it holds my entire music library. Mine isn't just boring black like in this picture, it's got a cute pink cherry blossom skin, but this seriously is the greatest gadget ever. Now, I'm sort of mac-stupid. I don't really work so well with products made by Apple, but my iPod is so easy to use. It's fantastically amazing.

I'm 100% addicted, need I say more?

Cuddling... it's amazing.

Well, my friends, that's enough for one blog. Have a lovely Thanksgiving, and remember that I'm grateful for each and everyone of you.

Much love!

Reach out and touch someone

I have a lot I want to say. There are several updates to give, a lot of stories to tell, and surprisingly some ventable feelings. The problem is that I'm not sure where to start.

I guess I'll start with my date. That's right, friends, I went on a date. Right up until he showed up on my doorstep I felt like I had about 14 butterflies dancing a tango in my belly. I had an excellent time, though. Not sure how he felt about things... Anyway, a brief synopsis of the evening: we missed all but one of the 8 goals scored in the hockey game because we were so busy talking, we practically got kicked out of the restaurant because we sat there talking so long, and then after deciding that he should probably take me home so he could get to bed at a decent hour we ended up talking in his car for almost another 2 hours. This lovely little car-chat had the potential to be quite romantic since it was raining outside, but unfortunately remained completely platonic. He walked me to my door, gave me an exceptionally good hug, and then we called it a night. All in all, as close to a successful date as I've had in a long time. If only he weren't such a great guy, I hate it when I fall unexpectedly.

The second thing that's been on my mind quite about lately is my spiritual welfare. I've recently made some decisions about some upcoming events, changes, and experiences, and in doing so I've realized that my spiritual growth and testimony aren't where they should be. In the pressures of day to day life I've, quite unfortunately, been leaving my Heavenly Father out in the cold. I've made a concious decision to change this part of my life for the better.

I feel as though some of my friendships have been suffering lately as well. This makes me sad, but at the same time it makes me wonder why I can't seem to keep a friendship alive. I know part of it is that I'm in a different place in my life than most of my friends. I'm done with school, I have a job that allows me a lot of free time, and I get lonely when I'm on my own so much. I just wish there was some way to combat the loneliness during the day.

At the suggestion of some people close to me in my life I recently read the book The Five Love Languages for Singles. It was fantastic! It literally changed the way I look at my life and how I interact with those around me. I have spent the last week or so analyzing those around me trying to discern what their love language could be. I know without a doubt that mine is physical touch. Seriously, if you ever want to make me feel loved all you have to do is give me a hug, squeeze my hand, or momentarily rest a hand on my shoulder. Nothing makes me feel more loved, more safe, or more secure than being able to cuddle up next to someone and just be there in the moment. Maybe this is what's been missing in my friendships, that actual physical aspect. Maybe I'm hoping for something I can't have right now. I don't really know. Either way, it's time for me to reach out and touch someone.

I think there's something wrong with me. I can't seem to get warm. No matter how toasty the room, how many layers of clothing I put on, or how close I stand to the heating vent I still get all shivery. Maybe it's because I spent the last 3 winters in a warmer climate, but I don't like these new freezing feelings. I'm naturally a warm-body person, so I'm starting to freak out a little bit. Even right this moment my hands are like blocks of ice. Not okay.

Anyway, that's enough of an update for now. Love you all!

I don't need a man...

...but sometimes it would be nice to have one around anyway.

The one that got away

So, here I sit on another Friday night (technically Saturday morning at this point, I guess) at work. Considering this is my fourth night in a row at work my social life has been lacking considerably this week. It's starting to wear on me. I wanted to work to live, not the other way around.

Granted, it could be worse: from the room I'm sitting in at the gorgeous new hospital I have an interesting view of not only the entire east side of the valley, but also the Southern Exposure strip club that is situated just next to the ER entrance. Let me tell you, the strip club is hoppin' tonight. At this particular moment in time I count no less than 100 parked cars, 5 people waiting for parking stalls, 3 strippers having a smoke break out back, and a cop. I'm glad my life has reached the low point of spending my Friday night there. Hm, now 3 cops...something's going down at the strip joint tonight. I can also see an IHOP from here and it's making me want breakfast. I may be stopping on my way home from work in the morning.

Watching helicopters take off and land is soothing to me.

Today has been one of those days where I wish I had someone in my life that I could curl up next to, lay my head on his shoulder, and just be in the moment. I think that's one of the greatest feelings in the world. I miss that.

I'd really like to date more. Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not in search of my eternal companion, I just feel like that particular area of my life has gone down the tubes in the last little while. I'm even okay with friend dates. I just feel like I don't get out enough. I should work on that.

The Salt Lake valley is really pretty at night. Especially from the 12th floor.

Oh, as for "the one that got away"? One day he's going to realize that it's me.

Sometimes...

There has been some talk lately, both in the blog world and out, of the "love languages". Mine is physical touch. For anyone that knows me, this shouldn't come as a surprise.

There are few things in this world that I love more than holding hands, cuddling up next to someone, or even just a simple hug. It's more than just loving these things, or even just wanting them... Emotionally, mentally, and physically I need these things. In order to feel loved I need someone to actually reach out and touch me. I thrive on it.

My mom and I had a conversation today about a young married couple we know. They've been married 2 years and just had their first baby a few months ago. She commented on the fact that it seems as though the husband has to almost force himself to touch his wife. I never see them hold hands, I never see him put his arm around her, I've never seen them hug, kiss, or show any kind of physical affection.

This got me thinking...if I were in a relationship such as this, would I survive? I venture that I would not. I think that if I were in a relationship without the touch-factor it would die a slow and painful death. Slow, because I'd just keep waiting to see if maybe something would happen, and painful because it would, very quickly, become painful for me.

This also brought on many thoughts of physicality of a different nature. I think a lot of my relationships have relied too heavily on the physical aspect. They've been centered on the making out rather than on the deeper, and quite honestly, more lasting aspects.

So, a few conclusions to draw from above musings:

A-- If I am physically affectionate with you, don't be alarmed. It just means that I want to show you how much I love you as a friend.

B-- When I do finally date someone I need to make sure he's okay with being touched. I don't have much of a personal space bubble.

C-- NCMO's are not good for me.

And that children, is all I will say on this subject. Big kiss to all of you!

I'm freaking hot. 'Nough said.

O, woman, great is thy faith

Today I found a fantastic book. It is called Woman and it was written in 1980 by several of the brethren of the time. I would like to take a few moments to share with you some of my favorite quotes out of this book:



"Women, you are of great strength and support to the men in your lives, and they sometimes need your help most when they are least deserving. A man can have no greater incentive, no greater hope, no greater strength than to know that his mother, his sweetheart, or his wife has confidence in him and loves him. And a man should strive every day to live worthy of that love and confidence." - N. Eldon Tanner



"Girls, prepare yourselves to assume the roles of mothers by gaining knowledge and wisdom through a good education." -N. Eldon Tanner



"I would urge all husbands, fathers, sons, and brothers to show great respect and love and try to be worthy of the women who are our wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, and sweethearts. There is no surer way for a man to show his lack of character, of good breeding, and of quality than for him to show lack of respect for woman." -N. Eldon Tanner



"Since the dawn of creation no aspect of woman's life compares with her divine appointment to be the vessel for the physical birth of a child who has been nurtured within her." -David B. Haight



"...when a mother honors and magnifies her calling, she is preparing for the eternities. She is not only preparing her children for their eternal destiny, but she is also preparing herself to become a queen and a priestess forever." -David B. Haight



"Using her body as the primal home for her unborn child, the woman teaches us the true example of total sacrifice through the care she takes with herself and the unborn child; her preparations in the home in joyful anticipation of its arrival; her months of discomfort and anxiety; her fulfilling daily responsibilities to her family and to others without complaint; her serenity in waiting; and her glorious expectaions. It is from her own mother's love and example that a daughter receives the desire, the hope, the courage, to become herself a mother." -Rex D. Pinegar



"A man will usually strive to become everything the woman he loves desires him to be." -Rex. D. Pinegar



"Without woman ther would be no home, no family circle." -G. Homer Durham



"I would hope that every girl and woman here has the desire and the ambition to qualify in two vocations-- that of homemaking, and that of preparing to earn a living outside the home..." -Sister Camilla Kimball

"Eve-- a daughter of God, one of the spirit offspring of the Almighty Elohim-- was among the noble and great in preexistence. She ranked in spiritual stature, in faith and devotion, in conformity to eternal law with Michael..." -Bruce R. McConkie

"Yes, it is not good for man to be alone because a righteious woman complements what may be lacking in a man's natural personality and disposition." -President Ezra Taft Benson

"The church recognizes that not all women in the Church will have the opportunity for marriage and omtherhood in mortality. Of necessity, some of our sisters have had to choose careers as a means of their own livelihood, and in some instances to provide for their families. But we do not encourage our young women to enter careers as lifelong objectives nhor as alternatives to marriage and family... You were not created to be the same as men." -President Ezra Taft Benson

"Mothers have a sacred role. They are partners with God, as well as with their own husbands, first in giving birth to the Lord's spirit children, and then in rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments. Could there be a more sacred trust than to be a trustee for honorable, well-born, well-developed children?" -President Spencer W. Kimball

"We men know the women of God as wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, associates, and friends. You seem to tame us and to gentle us, and yes, to teach us and to inspire us. For you, we have admiration as well as affection, because righteousness is not a matter of role, nor goodness a matter of gender. In the work of the kingdom, men and women are not without each other..." -Neal A. Maxwell

"We are deeply grateful for their enduring us as men when we are not at our best beause-- like God-- they love us not only for what we are, but for what we have the power to become." -Neal A. Maxwell

"We have speical admiration for the unsung but unsullied single women, among whom are some of the noblest daughters of God. These sisters know that God loves them, individually and distinctly." -Neal A. Maxwell

"Faith is the force of fulfillment for each of us. For a single woman making a life of learning and giving and loving, faith is not a definition, but a condition of confidence in God, held in the mind and heart of a seeking and believing child." -Marion D. Hanks

"The power of faith in Christ's love can transfrom human life from a dreary struggle without meaning into a joyous adventure." -Marion D. Hanks

"Mormon women in their true setting as handmaidens of the Lord are the freest women on earth. They have the greatest opportunity for self-expression and service to others of any women in the world. Why? Because they have the gospel." -Mark E. Petersen

I know I am grateful to all of the amazing women in my life. All of them mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, and sweethearts in their own right. It is my deepest prayer and desire that I, too, can become an elect lady before my Heavenly Father.

I am...

I've been thinking a lot lately about balance. No, I don't mean balance in the physical, don't-fall-on-your-head way, but balance in my everyday life. Sometimes I get so caught up in the day-to-day humdrum of my life that I have to conciously take a step back and take stock of how my balance is. This next little bit of my blog is more for myself than anyone else, so feel free to quit reading at any time. For anyone interested in the inner workings of my head, however, feel free to continue on.

Physical: Okay, I'll be the first one to admit that this one has been shoved to the back burner long enough. I partially blame nursing school for making me the way I am, currently, but I can no longer use that as an excuse. This particular area of my life has been out of balance for far to long. Granted, I have lost weight since returning to Salt Lake, but losing weight isn't enough. I need to set some goals for myself, work hard to accomplish them, and then set some new ones. I want to feel good again.

Mental: I rely too much on others for my mental stability. It's time for me to take responsibility for my own mentality (whether good or bad). I want to be happy with myself just for the sheer fact of being me. I'm well on my way to this, but I still need a little work. It is slow going, learning to truly love oneself, but I know that in the end the peace and balance it will bring to my life will be it's own reward.

Spiritual: Believe it or not, this aspect of my life has been thrown off balance as well. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm resolving right now to do what I can to bring myself closer to my Heavenly Father. It's been quite some time since I've been on a spiritual high, and I think that now is a good time to rediscover this particular aspect of myself. We've just recieved excellent counsel from the brethren and I intend to study it and put it to use in my everyday life.

Temporal: This is the portion of myself that is knocking everything else out of balance, I'm afraid. I've spent the last several weeks and months making sure that I have myself temporally taken care of. I just bought a condo (yay!), have a fairly new job with a promotion in the works, and am finally making enough money to live my temporal life in a comfortable way.

Relationships: Now, this is a very broad category. I use the term "relationships" to span the board from friends, to boyfriends, to family. I'm going to break this particular category into some subcategories for my own organizational fulfillment.
Family: I feel as though my relationship with my family is in a very balanced place, currently. Not only am I near them geographically, but I feel very near them in every sense of the word. We are closer than we have been in a long time and our relationships together are in a very good place. I consider my parents and my siblings some of my best friends and I love spending time with them.
Friends: This is one of the things I feel is currently unbalanced in my life. I feel as though I have to try incredibly hard to keep my some of my friendships alive. Sometimes I feel forgotten, left behind, and like an afterthought. I realize that a lot of this is purely my own insecurities about myself, but they make me feel unimportant, nonetheless. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my friends dearly, but most of them don't live near me. My best friends live in either Ogden (I know, not that far away, but we both work full time), or St. George. I also have many close friends in the Provo area. However, I feel as though I need to make some friends a little bit closer to home. My friendships need some balance.
Romantic-style: This particular aspect of my life is completely out of whack, and unfortunately I feel that there's not much I can do about it. I don't get asked on dates very often, hardly ever in fact. I've heard from several sources that guys like it when girls ask them out on dates...these sources have obviously never seen the way guys react when I ask them out. Now, I realize that I'm not a cookie cutter Utah girl, physically or personality-wise. I'm okay with this. I just wish the guys here would be, too. My romantic life needs to have some balance.

Everything else: Now, I realize that this is an impossibly broad description of the many things that shape and define who I am. I'm going to cover just a few of them.
Hobbies: Since the end of my career as a college student I've had a lot of free time (A new term to me, for sure). I've spent some of this time rediscovering some past and present loves. I've been able to read a lot. My appetite for literature has grown stronger with every book I read. I've been able to pursue my photography. I spent this morning taking pictures of a friend's band. It's been a long time since I've enjoyed myself that much. Not only was I spending time with a great friend, but I was able to do it from behind the lens of my beloved Canon. I've also decided that I'm trying out for the Jenny Phillips choir. I'm very excited about this. It's been several years since I've sung with a choir and I miss it immensely. I've also rediscovered my loves of writing, cooking, and playing in the rain.
My career: I love what I do for a living. Let me say that one more time: I LOVE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING! I was born to be a nurse. Any other job choice would be absolutely unsuitable for me. I love caring for my patients. I love watching them get better. I love helping people. I love being a shoulder to cry on if necessary. I am a nurse. This is one sector of my life that feels completely in balance, completely in tune, completely whole and complete.

So, my faithful few readers, if you were brave (or bored) enough to make it this far you have now caught a glimpse of the inner workings of my mind. My goal for my life is balance, and I plan on doing what I can to find and keep this balance.

Life is a tightrope act and I refuse to fall, even if there is a safety net.

Much love!

Life as I know it

Well, it's been quite the week. On top of many other goings on I seem to have picked up a cold/sinus infection, so if this all sounds random and disjointed I apologize.

I guess I'll start off with the big news first: For anyone who follows my blog you would know from my last post that I was on the verge of losing my first patient. Shortly after I posted he did pass away. He went very peacefully, seemed calm and at ease for the first time in weeks, and the whole thing was a very interesting experience for me. I guess I never really thought about what a spiritual experience death is. I've been present for several births, which is incredibly awe-inspiring, but this was the first time I've been there for a death. For several days after it occured I couldn't help but feel some guilt. Let me elaborate: generally when a patient is placed on hospice or end-of-life care they are given morphine as a comfort measure. It is the nurses responsibility to push the morphine through the IV line. Well, what the average person doesn't know is that morphine also takes away the human body's drive to breathe. Thus, over time and several doses, it is possible to ease your patient into death. Well, my sweet little patient while in the middle of recieving one of said doses of morphine. Enter guilty feeling number 1: Did I kill my patient? Then, as I learned throughout this process, death is a very private, personal, unique event. This man's family was present throughout the final moments of his life. They were by his side. They were fully invested in his end-of-life care. Guilty feeling number 2: I invaded this family's privacy in their final moments with their husband and father.

Now, granted, after having talked the series of events over with various people I feel much better about the whole situation. I've come to the realization that I did not, in fact, kill my patient. I just aided him on a peaceful journey out of this life and into the next. Also, as a nurse, I've learned to be invisible in difficult situations. After he passed it was my responsibility to remove all of the various lines, tubes, etc in his body. I did so quietly, professionally, and then excused myself. Once the mortuary had come to procure the body, the wonderful, grieving widow came out to the nurses desk, gave me a hug, thanked me for being such a wonderful caretaker for her husband, and most of all thanked me for being unobtrusive and virtually invisible at the last moments. This eased my personal burden somewhat. We cried together for a few moments and then she returned to her daughters. Now, a week later, I have mostly come to terms with that night that has forever changed my life.

Onto other things: Greg and I had our housewarming (Or house-swarming as my dad affectionately calls it) on Sunday. It seemed to go pretty well. We had a pretty good turn out, got some fun housewarming gifts, and just had an all-around good time. There will be pictures to follow shortly.

Well, needless to say, after the all-around week from Hell Greg and I needed to have a little fun, so we took a day-trip to Gardner Village and bought some adorable Halloween decorations. They definitely made our condo feel even more like home. Maybe one of these days I'll get used to living in the same city as my family but in a different house.

And the crowning moment of my week: I went shopping with a good friend on Tuesday, because that's what you do when you're down, and I decided I needed a new, hot pair of jeans. Well, we went into the Gap and were looking around and she grabbed a pair, thrust them at me, and said try them on. I told her there was no way they were going to fit, I hadn't worn that size since probably high school. She said, "Don't make me put them on you myself!" So, I wandered back into the dressing room, and lo and behold: they fit! They look super-hot, too. I made the ass-face. I couldn't help it.

Anyway, kids, that's just a brief (okay, lengthy) update on the wonderful world of Annabelle. Look forward to more in the near future.

Much love!

Accepting my Life Calling

This past week I've truly had to come to terms with my career, my thoughts on death, and myself. Many times throughout the past 3 days I've asked myself, "Are you sure you can do this?" This may be the first time for me, but it definitely will not be the last. People aren't supposed to die on rehab.

I have a patient who is dying. Now, I know what you might say, "Everyone is dying, it's a part of life." This man is actively passing away. Every time I reenter his room I can feel that a little more of his spirit is gone. He is slowly slipping out of this life and into the next. I do everything I can to keep him comfortable and hope that he is resting easily. It is my duty to see that his journey into death is a peaceful one. I don't know that I am emotionally strong enough to handle the magnitude of the situation.

Everytime I enter the room I have to be the strong one. I am now the rock upon which his family is leaning. I hold his wife while she cries. I give what comforting words I can. I say, "Isn't it wonderful what we know, as members of the church, about the Plan of Salvation." It is not enough. I can see that it is not enough.

What do I have to offer this family in their time of need? Me...a brand new nurse, fresh out of college, working at her first real job. Me... who, although I have experienced death in my own life, have never felt it's truly personal touch. Me. Just me. That's all I can offer. And yet again I know that it is not enough.

And so here I sit, at work, in the middle of the night. I cry. I fight the feeling. And yet, I know... nursing is my life calling. It is who I am. It is what I am. It is where I need to be. And so "just me" will have to be good enough.

...And that scares me

Sometimes I wonder what happened in my life to make me so jaded. When I look back on the things that I've experienced, the people I've known, and the choices I've made I see no reason for my mind to process things the way it does. Unfortunately, for some unknown reason, at the tender age of 22 years old I am jaded.

I had a few unusual experiences this week. Well, unusual for me, that is. The first of these was that I held the 2 month old child of a friend. Her name is Eden and she is one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. Now, that sentiment alone is nearly a miracle coming from me because I have a small confession to make: babies under the age of about 9 months terrify me. I don't know why this is, and I understand that it's a totally irrational fear, but there you have it nonetheless. I will hold babies, I will coo at them along with every other warm-blooded female in the room, I'll comment on how precious they are...but if there's a baby in my arms you can guarantee that I'm planning an escape route in my head. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to being a mother someday...but someday is the key word there. I know that emotionally and maturity-wise I'm in no condition for birthing and raising children right now. I guess I can take small consolation in the fact that at least I understand this about myself. Anyway, back to Eden: as I was holding her I slowly came to the realization in my head that I wasn't terrified of her. In fact, I was reluctant to give her back to her mother. I would have been perfectly content to stand on my front lawn all night long rocking her in my arms and singing her love songs from the 70's. Weird.

The second unusual experience I've had this week (and this has been lingering unneccesarily long) is that I've had the growing desire to be married. I have no idea where this is coming from, I've honestly never felt this particular aching before. I can't shake it. Every morning I wake up and it almost brings me to tears to realize that I'm alone in my bed, that there's not a "Good morning, Beautiful" waiting for me from a husband. I see my friends with their spouses and a slight (but ever increasing) whispering inside me says, "I want that!" I spent some time on temple square this week and watched the newly married couples exiting the temple and they were glowing. I want to glow.

I know, it will happen when it's right. I know that I'm not ready right now. Logically I understand all of this. But in my heart, in my most vulnerable place I want a husband and a family of my own...and that scares me more than anything else.

That time again.

It's that time of the month again...the full moon.

I think I'm even crazier than usual this time around. *sigh*


P.S.- Fantastic quote of the week: "Women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage."

The story of my...month?

So, I feel the need to update and get rid of that horribly depressing blog that is currently gracing my page. These last few weeks have been sort of interesting for me. A lot of changes have occured, along with a lot of pure randomness. Most of it you'll get to hear about, some of it you may not...yet.

The biggest thing that happened is that Greg and I bought our condo. Yahoo! While he's been on the road for the past ten days I've been attempting to make our house a home. With my futon from college, our donated kitchen table (50's style), and a pooling of our decorative resources I think we've managed fairly well. There will be a housewarming party in the near future, details to follow at a later date.

Secondly, I'd just like to say again how grateful I am for my friends. Being alone too much tends to make me think too much, which occasionally will bring on a bout of mild depression. Thanks, guys, for being there to spend some time with me and keeping me out of the doldrums.

My parents have a hot tub in their back yard. It is a delight. Since I'm poor (just bought a condo, remember?) a good soak in the hot tub is about as close to a massage as I can get to ease my tired and sore muscles.

So, I succumbed to the mania and read the Twilight series. Fabulous! I read the entire series in about 3 and a half days, and now I'm slightly bitter that I have to wait a year for the release of the 4th one. Ah well, such is life. Oh, and I'm a Jacob girl...sorry all you Edward fans out there.

Well, my friends, I think that's about all I have to update on at this time. More to follow later.

Much love!

I can't blame the moon

Well, my friends, it's reached that time of my life (and the morning) where I feel the need to release some of my pent-up crazy. For some reason I feel as though the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I feel like I fight my way uphill into contentment and happiness, only to reach the crest and plummet back down again. It could be due to the fact that I'm once again standing in the center of the swirling vortex of change, or it could just be time to release some dammed-up emotion. I honestly don't know, but for some reason I'm sitting here at work, at 3:00 in the morning, pouring out my heart to a computer screen, with tears running down my face.

I tell myself to suck it up, be strong, just keep plugging along. I've got nothing to be sad about. My life is in a good place right now. I have a career that I love, family that I'm close to, friends that I adore (and I'm pretty sure they like me back), and in less than 8 hours I'll be a homeowner. So why do I feel this lingering strain of discontent? In the perfect harmony of my life something keeps striking a wrong note and throwing off the balance.

My fingers itch to write a book, but I don't know what I'd say. Everything I see is a photograph, but I can't bring myself to pick up my camera. All around me I see happiness, joy, love, peace, and comfort, yet I feel strangely apart from it all. Some days it's almost as if I'm watching my life through a window. I experience the things happening around me but am detached in some way. I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm missing something important.

I know I'm the only person that can change this feeling. If I don't involve myself in my life I could become a permanent observer. I ask myself how to find the happiness that everyone around me seems to have. I know that attitude is a choice, but making myself choose a positive attitude seems so overwhelming most of the time.

I hate feeling this way. I hate being a whiner. I feeling out of control in a situation I should have complete control over.

But most of all I hate it that I can't blame the moon.

Understanding me

For all of the masks I wear, all of the different shows I put on for different people, I really am a very simple person at my core. There's a poem by Rilke which describes very well what I'm looking for in my life. It goes like this:

"I'd like to sing someone to sleep,
By someone sit, and be still.
I'd like to rock you and murmur a song
Be with you on the fringes of sleep
Be the one and only awake in the house
Who would know that the night is cold.
I'd like to listen both inside and out,
Into you, and the world, and the woods.
The clocks call out with their toiling bells,
And you can see to the bottom of time.
Down in the street a stranger goes by
And bothers a passing dog.
Behind come silence, I've laid my eyes
On you like an open hand,
And they hold you lightly and let you go,
When something moves in the dark."

Peace, security, safety, love, and happiness. This is what I want from my life.

Two Roads Diverged...

I read a book today that I recommend everyone read. It was called Girl With a Pearl Earring. It's by Tracy Chevalier. They made a movie of it last year, I believe. Anyway, in this book the main character, Griet, talks about an 8-pointed star set into the ground in the city. Each of the points, obviously, leads a person to a different part of the city and a different occurence in Griet's day and life.

I feel as though I'm standing in the middle of this 8-pointed star. I have so many choices in front of me right now, and yet I have no idea which direction I want to take. This isn't necessarily a choice between right or wrong, good or bad, pass or fail. This is more a matter of good, better, or best. None of the paths from my star are a wrong decision, it's about deciding which right choice is the best choice for me.

None of the paths are strewn with rose petals. They all will require some hard work, elbow grease, the need to get a little dirty, and possibly some heavy lifting to clear obstacles out of my way. This doesn't scare me. I was raised not to fear hard work, but to embrace it. The part that scares me is that once I start something I don't give up on it. My purely stubborn nature won't allow me to admit defeat, turn back, and try another path. Whichever one I take I will devote myself to 100%.

So I stand in the center of my star, turn slowly in a circle, and wonder...

Which way do I go?

I have a patient tonight that I have not-so-affectionately named The Vampire. She's one of those emotionally needy people that sucks the life right out of you. Now, a certain level of neediness I can handle, but this woman just takes...and takes...and takes. I fear by the time 7 am rolls around I won't have anything left to give.

I learned today that I'm a red personality. Now, considering the above paragraph, and how well the 3 or 4 people that read my blog know me, this shouldn't be a surprise to any of us. The woman leading the class seemed shocked, and somewhat appalled, at my test results. She said that generally reds go into the business world. They apparently make fantastic real estate agents, CEO's, and managers. I love it when I throw off people's perceptions on how things should be.

There was a woman in the cafeteria tonight with fuschia hair. Now, she wasn't just any woman...she was a nurse. And it wasn't just any kind of fuschia hair...it was fuschia grandma-poof. Pretty much amazing. I wonder, though, just how professional that is. I know if I showed up to work with fuschia hair it would raise a lot more eyebrows, and complaints, than this particular woman. Maybe she works somewhere like the nursery where the patients don't know any different.

I'm currently listening to my favorite song in the whole world. It makes me feel all gushy inside. I'm such a girly girl sometimes. It actually makes me want to be proposed to in a cute way. Hell, it actually makes me want to be propsed to. Weird.

I need to remember not to eat a full meal in the middle of the night. I couldn't help it, though, the bacon cheeseburger looked so good. Yes, children, despite eating like that I've still managed to lose 10 pounds since I moved home.

I need a vacation.

Well, that's all for tonight, friends. Until next time.
Much love.

My List of Demands

I want to say something important but I don't know what it is.

I want to take care of those around me, but sometimes people need to take care of themselves.

I want to wear hot shoes as often as possible.

I want to use music to tell others how I'm feeling.

I want people to look at me and think, "She's not perfect, but she's beautiful anyway."

I want to make my mark on the world.

I want to deliver babies in a third world country.

I want to laugh, or cry, whenever I feel so inclined.

I want to cook for my friends.

I want to hold hands.

I want to dance in the rain.

I want to climb mountains.

I want to wake up next to the man I love everyday.

I want to experience holding my newborn child in my arms.

I want to sing along, even if I don't know the words.

I want to be the kind of person others can rely on.

I want to eat pasta in Italy.

I want to jump out of an airplane.

I want to say "I love you" and not feel ashamed about it.

I want to be a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.

I want to see those I love happy.

I want to be a great nurse.

I want to get flowers on Valentines Day.

I want to be a teacher, both by word and example.

I want to be the kind of person that others love to be around.

I want to write a book.

I want people to know I care.

I want to hug and be hugged.

I want to live near the ocean, at least for a little while.

I want to document my whole life through photographs.

I want to not take my life for granted.

I want to be comfortable in my own skin.

I want to paint every room in my house a different color.

I want to be the best me I can be.

I want to live, laugh, and love everyday.

Musings on Matrimony

I took a friend to the instacare this week. We walked in and stepped up to the desk to speak to the check-in woman. After my friend told her that he wasn't feeling well, etc, she turns to me and asks if I have our insurance cards. I smile sweetly (hard for me to do) while he says, "I have my insurance cards right here." She looks confused for a moment and then it dawns on her that she's just made a wrong assumption: that he and I were married.

Lately, due to experiences like the one recounted above and some experiences in the lives of people close to me, I've been thinking quite a bit about the subject of marriage. I've come to the conclusion that I am utterly terrified of it. I don't think this is normal for a girl of my age, social position, religion, etc. Let's be honest, most of my friends from high school and college have already crossed the great divide into the state of wedded bliss. Several of them have been that way for a few years. I'm happy with my life the way it is. I've got a college degree, a great career, fabulous friends, and the time to experience pretty much anything I want to.

So why do I feel so much pressure to get married?

I know deep down inside it'll come for me, too, someday. I hope by that time I'm ready. I don't deal well with surprises... Or big changes. I only pray that the man who finally wants to settle down with me is patient enough to hold my hand and wait out the storm that's sure to come with a change of that magnitude.

Mostly I just see so many girls my age, and younger even, getting married because they think it'll solve all their problems. I pray everyday that I'm smarter than that. I even know of a few girls that, in my opinion, are getting married because it's what all their friends are doing and they don't want to be left behind. I know I'm smarter than that. I just hope that when the time comes I'm smart enough to get married to the right man for the right reasons.

So what's my point? I don't have one. I just needed to work through some of the clutter in my brain.

Much love!

Two in a row? You'd better believe it...

A new update before the regularly scheduled post: I just read that President James E. Faust passed away about an hour ago. I just want to take a moment to remember a wonderful man who had a very personal connection to my life. President Faust is the man that essentially converted and baptized my Grandma Hatch. Without this man's influence in my family my life would probably be very different today. Also, as an extremely insecure 14 year old girl, he once told me I was beautiful and to never let anyone else tell me differently. May we all remember this great and wonderful man and strive to live the things he taught and so thoroughly exemplified in his own life.



So, I don't know why I feel so posessed to write 2 days in a row, but I do, so y'all get to suffer through it with me. Ah, the joys of being my friend, eh?

My boss asked me this week to be a "unit champion" of a new program we're instituting among our staff. It's called Healing Connections and essentially it's a program that teaches nurses and other hospital staff how to interact with their patients and coworkers. She apparently thinks I've got the right personality and attitude to not only master this particular program but to effectively teach it to the other staff members I work with. When she first asked me to do this I sort of laughed and responded with, "You have met me, right?" Guess we'll see how it goes, if nothing else I'll get paid to attend some trainings and I just might come out of it all learning something new and useful. I do find it a little silly, though, that someone has copyrighted and marketed the basics of talking to a patient.

I'm wearing my hot pink scrubs again. What I realized on my way out the door for work tonight, though, is that my purse also happens to match said scrubs. I'm even wearing pink shoes. This might be a little overboard. My dad called me The Pink Lady. The pink memo apparently went out to the rest of the staff as well considering that there were 4 other girls wearing pink scrubs tonight too.

I've decided that things happen when you least expect them to. Just when you think you've got the game under control life throws you a curve-ball. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, I happen to know how to hit a home run off a curve-ball. I just find it interesting that as soon as I get too content with where my life is the changes start. This is good. I like change. I think it keeps things interesting, and keeps me from becoming lazy and complacent.

I met a nurse tonight that told me he could get me in to see the right people to get me a job in the operating room. This is my dream for my career, and I'm strongly considering using this connection in the near future. I'll have to think on this for a bit. Please, share your thoughts as well.

Butch Walker is the man. If you're not familiar with him you should become so. His music is real, simple, awesome to sing along to, not to mention he put on the best live concert I've ever been to. Someday I'll meet him and my life will be complete.

I had a patient try and grope me tonight. I never thought this would occur in my pink scrubs. They must make me look extra-curvaceous and not as pregnant as my others (Not that I am pregnant, scrubs just make me seem that way).

Well, I feel as though I've relieved some of my strange compulsion to write. Hope you all enjoyed this little piece of what's occuring in my mind at any given moment.

Much love!

A Note of Thanks

It's been an eventful week, but at the same time not particularly blog-worthy. In the style of my other friends that blog I'm just going to take a few moments and expound upon how grateful I am for good friends.

One of the hardest things for me when I moved back to Salt Lake from St. George was leaving behind my friends. I felt as though I'd found a place where I fit in, where I could be myself and be appreciated for it, where my friends were more than that...they were my family. For several weeks after I moved home I struggled with a homesickness so overpowering that I wanted nothing more than to move back to the scorching heat of a St. George summer. In the (somewhat modified) words of David Duchovny in Return to Me, "I love my Salt Lake friends, but I ache for my 'family'." A lot of this changed when I returned for a visit. As I drove the last little stretch of highway over the black ridge I knew deep down inside that Salt Lake was where I needed to be. Thank goodness for small reassurances.

Now, don't get me wrong, I still dearly love and miss my friends down south. They are irreplaceable (I'm making up words again, I know) in my heart and my mind. I learned things from them, and experienced things with them, that I know would never have been a part of my life otherwise. I doubted I would ever feel as at home among a group of friends as I did with them...until this past week.

In the past few weeks I've slowly been introduced to some new people. They are just as loving, accepting, understanding, and caring as my St. George-ians. I don't know them well yet, but I feel I get to know them more everyday, and for this opportunity I am truly grateful. My horizons have been broadened, my heart and eyes have been opened, and my life once again feels full. A 'thanks' is much in order for my new friends: Thank you for letting me love you, thank you for allowing me to be who I am and appreciating and accepting me for it. Thank you for the laughter. Thank you for welcoming me with open arms and allowing me to become part of your lives. Thank you, most of all, for being you.

And on that note I'll go dry my eyes, because after all I'm just a silly, sentimental girl.

Much love!

Forbidden love...

Okay, so the title makes this sound juicier than it actually is. In all honesty this is going to be a bit of a rant and rave session about my life (or lack thereof), so feel free to quit reading at any time.

My crush returned to work tonight. It made my tummy do a little flip when he walked through the door. I love having something to look forward to at work. My same problem as always has started again with him, though...I am the advice girl. For the first half hour or so of our shift I was nothing but a shoulder to cry on for him. Turns out his dad was really sick back in Kansas and so he flew back for 10 days to help take care of the family. Now, if you have a high opinion of me you should probably not read this next part: the whole time we were talking he was telling me about how his dad's brush with death made him come to terms with his own mortality, blahblahblah. He's getting to the point where he wants to propose to his girlfriend of 3 and a half years. He, for some unknown reason, felt the need to share all of this with me. And what can I do, really, but smile, nod, and tell him that commitment's not that scary. How's that for hypocrisy...me, the world's biggest commitment-phobe telling someone to commit. Oh, on a lighter note I found out that he has tattoos, and they're tastefully done. Now, I think a little ink on a man is sexy. Crazy? Maybe.

I'm wearing hot pink scrubs tonight. I don't know what posessed me to do this. I look like a giant, walking piece of bubble gum with wild hair. Even my socks are pink. I'm like the pepto-bismal nurse.

The woman sitting at the computer next to me just yelled at me for typing so fast. I can't help it that I'm a fast typer, it just happens. She told me that the keys were clicking too loud. Whatever. I'm typing loud on purpose now.

Speaking of which: I don't know what's made me so contrary lately. I feel the need to argue with everyone, always prove my point, and be right about everything. Someone needs to tell me to chill out.

The field trip this week was to the Clark planetarium. Honestly, don't waste your time. The old Hansen Planetarium was like a trillion times cooler. Maybe it's because I went there as a kid and most things are cooler when you're a kid. They did have these cool things in the gift shop that I wanted, though. They were little stuffed animals of all the different STD's. Slightly crude and off-color, yes, but they would've made amazing gifts for some of my nurse friends.

I feel this strange compulsion to go shoe shopping. I want to fill my world with bright, beautiful, funky shoes. I want to make my feet gorgeous.

And on that extremely random note I'm signing off for now.
Much love!

The Happy Experiment

So, occasionally I hit this point in my life where I need to remind myself of all of the things I love in this world. That's when I break out my "Things I love" list. I read it, I add to it, I learn from it. Here is the list so far:

~Holding hands
~Seeing old men dote on their wives
~The rain
~Giving sound advice
~A hug from a friend I haven't seen in a long time
~Silly bets
~Pink socks
~Polka dots
~Nice hands
~A new bra
~My car
~A good meal
~My job
~Falling asleep all cuddled up next to someone
~The smell of a guy fresh out of the shower in a tshirt right out of the laundry
~Having a good cry
~Taking pictures
~Reading an uplifting book
~Driving around with the windows down
~Singing along to the radio at the top of my lungs
~A smile from a stranger
~Pickles
~Asking my mom and dad for advice
~Seeing my friends in happy, healthy relationships
~Getting a pedicure
~Text messaging
~Discovering a great new band
~Live shows
~Lip gloss
~Spongebob boxers
~The beach
~Henna tattoos
~Making new friends
~Being accepted how I am
~Shirts that are long enough to cover my back when I sit down
~Shoes (especially heels)
~Laughing
~Reconnecting with friends from my distant past
~Flip flops
~Skirts in the summer
~Ribbon
~Jewelry
~Family Heirlooms
~Brushing my teeth
~Fresh-cut flowers in my bedroom
~Clean sheets
~Movies that make me think
~An unexpected visit from an out-of-town friend
~New clothes
~Good hair days
~Playing the piano
~Singing the hymns in church
~Tan lines
~A kiss on top of the head, just because he can
~A firm handshake
~Reading to my brother

And newly added tonight:
~Reading the classics
~Naps
~Sappy movies
~Love notes
~Having Greg's "family" at Sunday dinner
~Men that dress well
~Women that dress well
~Men that dress well as women
~New underwear
~Patterned socks
~My iPod
~IKEA
~Ice cream in the middle of the night
~Mastering a recipe
~Crushes
~"Girl talk"
~The smells of autumn
~Friends at work
~Feeling motivated to put on make up
~Not feeling obligated to put on make up
~When people are glad to see me
~Free massages
~Piano music
~Game shows
~Educational field trips
~Rootbeer popsicles
~A good, solid argument
~Dancing with someone
~Black and white photography
~Bermuda shorts
~Laughter

Now, everyone take a cleansing breath...just kidding. I feel like sometimes all I do is whine about what's going wrong in my life, so I like to take a few moments and realize all of the fantastic things I experience regularly. I have so much to be grateful for and so much I take for granted. My goal for the week: Take the negative and find a way to make it positive.

Full moon? I think so...

I find it interesting that so many things in my life coincide with the full moon. The hospital is a completely differnet place during the full moon, especially if it occurs on the weekend. There are more babies born, more people dying, and more traumas than any other time during the cycle. Things on my particular unit are all-around busier, as well. People spike temperatures, have sudden incontinence problems, and become nauseated for no apparent reason. I blame the moon.
My personal life is always different during the full moon as well. I am definitely less fun to be around, shorter-tempered, and more emotional. Also, my sarcasm is pretty much even more over-the-top than usual. Okay, so it could be PMS (too much information, I know), but it's definitely easier to blame that pock-marked sphere orbiting our planet than my own body. I blame the moon.
I've started writing prose, and a little poetry, again. This is unusual seeing as how I haven't written in several years. My poems sound more like song lyrics than anything. I think I've deluded myself into thinking I can be a rock star. Two problems with this, 1)I know a total of 4 chords on the guitar, and 2) I really don't sing all that well. Maybe after the lyrics are written I'll pass them along to a friend's band. I mean, come on, what band doesn't need another sappy ballad?
My brother took my car to Richfield this weekend to go on a date. I think I'm having seperation anxiety. If he breaks my car, I break his head.
I saw something this week that made my heart smile (Lizzy and Colt, that was for you): A man driving a mint green vespa scooter wearing glasses (they appeared to be Prada, but I'm not sure) and a man-bag (okay, it was a purse) in the identical shade of green as his scooter. It was the most ideal thing I've seen in a long time.
Octupus' (octupi?) are very cool. The fieldtrip this week was to the living planet aquarium, I recommend it. Take a date. They had an octupus there that had his very own anemone, starfish, and-- I kid you not-- Mr. Potatohead friends. Also, there were stingrays to pet and glow-in-the-dark jelly fish. A very informative afternoon.
Now, on to the angst portion of regularly scheduled announcement: Is there something wrong with me? Do I have a horrible disease? Do I rival Quasimodo in looks? I'm getting a little annoyed with men not wanting to get to know me. Don't get me wrong, I'm in no way looking for a relationship right now, but I'd still like to go on dates. I enjoy getting to know people, discovering new places, and having a good time. I mean, I know I'm no Tyra Banks, but I'm an attractive enough girl. I have a good sense of humor, a big heart, a college degree, and a career. I've got a lot going for me. I shake my fist at the men of Utah and, oh hell, I blame the moon.
Well, my dearly devoted readers. That is all I have for now.
Much love!

That time of the morning...

Well my fabulous readers (okay, more likely just a single reader) it's time for another update in the wonderful world of me.

I did something this past week that I recommend everyone do at least once in their lifetime. Go be a tourist in the city you live in. It's an interesting experience. I went on a field trip on Wednesday with my brother to just check some of the cool places here in Salt Lake that he'd never seen. We began our afternoon with a ride on Trax where we played the "count the American flags" game, aka my way of keeping him entertained til we got downtown. Needless to say he kicked my butt and almost doubled my score. Once we'd arrived downtown we took a short walk to the Joseph Smith Memorial Building where we went and looked out at downtown from the top level. Mostly it just made me hungry since we could smell food cooking in the Garden restaurant. McKay took the liberty of showing me where all the best places to jump from were. After that little excursion we meandered our way over to the conference center. We joined forces with a group from out of state for a tour of the vast building. Let me just say that there are some parents in this world that need to keep better control on their children. I would've been embarassed if Mac had acted like these kids. After our trip to the top of the center and back we decided to go to the Church History Museum, a very informative (and perfectly air conditioned) establishment.

After many potty stops, historical facts, and a whole roll of black and white pictures we hopped another Trax train back to the south end of the valley. All in all, a nice afternoon in the blazing heat.

I've made a goal to go on at least one date a month. The unfortunate part of this goal? No one ever asks me on dates. The moral of this story: I'm going to have to get brave in a hurry and start asking boys out.

I went to my new ward on Sunday. There's some pretty good eye-candy to be had. Greg and I have decided to nickname the members of the ward. So far we have The Resident and Mini-Mo. A fair start after just one week, in my opinion. There was also a guy in lavender pants. It takes serious confidence to wear lavender pants and a pink shirt to church. Kudos to him. Sitting in church on Sunday, though, made me have a bit of a mini-epiphany, this being that I have a strange attraction to slightly overweight balding or bald men. Strange, I know, but what can you do? They need love too.

Last, but certainly not least, I have a raging crush on one of my coworkers. He sat next to me in staff meeting and smelled so fantastic that I just had to lean over and take a whiff. He found that entertaining. Now, there are 2 problems with this scenario, first and foremost: He has a long term girlfriend that he's terrified to marry. Secondly, and slightly less important: I have a policy about dating coworkers...namely, I don't do it. Ah well, he keeps me excited to come to work. That'll do for now.

Alas, children, that is all I have for you tonight. Remember: The glass may be half full, it may be half empty...sometimes it's just half a glass.