So Unsettled

Something in my life isn't quite right, I don't know what it is. Lately I've just felt "off".

I've been overly emotional. The smallest things will set me off, I cry over nothing, I laugh too hard at things that aren't funny, and I'm even more easily annoyed than normal. Despite being overly emotional, however, I feel completely apathetic and lackluster about making any change.

Temporally, things are good. The condo is great, as is living with Greg. I much prefer living with a guy than living with girls. The utter lack of drama and backstabbing is such a relief. My job, while not my dream job, is perfectly fine for the time being. My family is good, and I love spending time with them. Being around them is about the only time I feel "normal" anymore. Maybe that's why I spend so much time at their house. I have friends, and while we don't hang out every night, I feel that my social life is picking up.

Spiritually I feel okay, too. I'm doing better about doing the basics: reading scriptures, praying, building a relationship with my Heavenly Father, preparing to go to the temple, etc. I feel closer to my Savior and my Father in Heaven than I have in a long time. I feel His hand in my life, guiding me in my choices and trials daily.

It's Christmastime, which I love. I love the selfless and giving spirit of the Christmas season. It's one of the few times that I feel like everyone is thinking about someone other than themselves. I love everything that comes with the season, except snow and crowds. I love the food, the decorations, the giving of gifts, the time spent with family, all of it. I love it that our Savior is thought about, talked about, and studied more at this time of year than any other.

Despite all of this, I'm lonely. There, I said it. I spend a lot of time by myself, and I get lonely. Working the night shift I'm home all day, every day. This is a lot of time without other human contact. Not only am I lonely in that way, I'm lonely for a relationship. I got thinking about it the other night and I realized that it's been 2 years since my last relationship. I've dated other guys in that 2 years, but no one exclusively. I miss the things that come with having a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down by any means, but it'd be nice to have someone there. Someone to cuddle up next to and watch a movie. Someone to just sit with and be in the moment. I miss having my hand held. I miss good-night kisses. I miss an arm around my shoulders in church or at the movies. I even miss taking someone home to meet my family. I'm finally in a place in my life where I'm ready for a relationship and I'm all alone.

How's that for irony?