Saturday, December 1, 2007

So Unsettled

Something in my life isn't quite right, I don't know what it is. Lately I've just felt "off".

I've been overly emotional. The smallest things will set me off, I cry over nothing, I laugh too hard at things that aren't funny, and I'm even more easily annoyed than normal. Despite being overly emotional, however, I feel completely apathetic and lackluster about making any change.

Temporally, things are good. The condo is great, as is living with Greg. I much prefer living with a guy than living with girls. The utter lack of drama and backstabbing is such a relief. My job, while not my dream job, is perfectly fine for the time being. My family is good, and I love spending time with them. Being around them is about the only time I feel "normal" anymore. Maybe that's why I spend so much time at their house. I have friends, and while we don't hang out every night, I feel that my social life is picking up.

Spiritually I feel okay, too. I'm doing better about doing the basics: reading scriptures, praying, building a relationship with my Heavenly Father, preparing to go to the temple, etc. I feel closer to my Savior and my Father in Heaven than I have in a long time. I feel His hand in my life, guiding me in my choices and trials daily.

It's Christmastime, which I love. I love the selfless and giving spirit of the Christmas season. It's one of the few times that I feel like everyone is thinking about someone other than themselves. I love everything that comes with the season, except snow and crowds. I love the food, the decorations, the giving of gifts, the time spent with family, all of it. I love it that our Savior is thought about, talked about, and studied more at this time of year than any other.

Despite all of this, I'm lonely. There, I said it. I spend a lot of time by myself, and I get lonely. Working the night shift I'm home all day, every day. This is a lot of time without other human contact. Not only am I lonely in that way, I'm lonely for a relationship. I got thinking about it the other night and I realized that it's been 2 years since my last relationship. I've dated other guys in that 2 years, but no one exclusively. I miss the things that come with having a relationship. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm ready to settle down by any means, but it'd be nice to have someone there. Someone to cuddle up next to and watch a movie. Someone to just sit with and be in the moment. I miss having my hand held. I miss good-night kisses. I miss an arm around my shoulders in church or at the movies. I even miss taking someone home to meet my family. I'm finally in a place in my life where I'm ready for a relationship and I'm all alone.

How's that for irony?


Peter said...

Hi! Sounds like you need some cheering up. So I'll talk about myself to take your mind off your woes.

I've been on shift work for about 32 years. I've never worked 9 to 5 with constant weekends off. I just couldn't handle it if I took it on now.

I did work permanent night shift once and that was a mistake looking back now. I think it was the lack of sun and human interaction during the day that pained me the most. So it did not last long.

It was like being a bear in hibernation most times and who likes being a grizzley bear. Not me, thank you!

Permanent night shift workers lack the benefit of the sun, which may affect well being and their probably right. It has something to do with the fact that the lack of vitamin D can cause depression and who needs that! No one!

I still love shift work and I still love having days off during the week. Well, that's about it!

I wish you the best and I hope your dreams come true! Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Peter McCartney
Sydney Australia

Keven, Cary, and Hannah said...

Selkie, I have been meaning to check out your blog so here I am!

Thank you for being willing to share your thoughts -- you are such an honest person -- and I truly respect that so much! I, myself, remember the single times it was just great and others it was lonely. BUT one day it will change, just when you are least expecting it to. I am sure you have heard that before, but it is true!!!
I want you to know that I love you!! Thank you for being the sincere person you are!!