Thursday, September 27, 2007

That time again.

It's that time of the month again...the full moon.

I think I'm even crazier than usual this time around. *sigh*

P.S.- Fantastic quote of the week: "Women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied by marriage."

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The story of my...month?

So, I feel the need to update and get rid of that horribly depressing blog that is currently gracing my page. These last few weeks have been sort of interesting for me. A lot of changes have occured, along with a lot of pure randomness. Most of it you'll get to hear about, some of it you may not...yet.

The biggest thing that happened is that Greg and I bought our condo. Yahoo! While he's been on the road for the past ten days I've been attempting to make our house a home. With my futon from college, our donated kitchen table (50's style), and a pooling of our decorative resources I think we've managed fairly well. There will be a housewarming party in the near future, details to follow at a later date.

Secondly, I'd just like to say again how grateful I am for my friends. Being alone too much tends to make me think too much, which occasionally will bring on a bout of mild depression. Thanks, guys, for being there to spend some time with me and keeping me out of the doldrums.

My parents have a hot tub in their back yard. It is a delight. Since I'm poor (just bought a condo, remember?) a good soak in the hot tub is about as close to a massage as I can get to ease my tired and sore muscles.

So, I succumbed to the mania and read the Twilight series. Fabulous! I read the entire series in about 3 and a half days, and now I'm slightly bitter that I have to wait a year for the release of the 4th one. Ah well, such is life. Oh, and I'm a Jacob girl...sorry all you Edward fans out there.

Well, my friends, I think that's about all I have to update on at this time. More to follow later.

Much love!

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I can't blame the moon

Well, my friends, it's reached that time of my life (and the morning) where I feel the need to release some of my pent-up crazy. For some reason I feel as though the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I feel like I fight my way uphill into contentment and happiness, only to reach the crest and plummet back down again. It could be due to the fact that I'm once again standing in the center of the swirling vortex of change, or it could just be time to release some dammed-up emotion. I honestly don't know, but for some reason I'm sitting here at work, at 3:00 in the morning, pouring out my heart to a computer screen, with tears running down my face.

I tell myself to suck it up, be strong, just keep plugging along. I've got nothing to be sad about. My life is in a good place right now. I have a career that I love, family that I'm close to, friends that I adore (and I'm pretty sure they like me back), and in less than 8 hours I'll be a homeowner. So why do I feel this lingering strain of discontent? In the perfect harmony of my life something keeps striking a wrong note and throwing off the balance.

My fingers itch to write a book, but I don't know what I'd say. Everything I see is a photograph, but I can't bring myself to pick up my camera. All around me I see happiness, joy, love, peace, and comfort, yet I feel strangely apart from it all. Some days it's almost as if I'm watching my life through a window. I experience the things happening around me but am detached in some way. I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm missing something important.

I know I'm the only person that can change this feeling. If I don't involve myself in my life I could become a permanent observer. I ask myself how to find the happiness that everyone around me seems to have. I know that attitude is a choice, but making myself choose a positive attitude seems so overwhelming most of the time.

I hate feeling this way. I hate being a whiner. I feeling out of control in a situation I should have complete control over.

But most of all I hate it that I can't blame the moon.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Understanding me

For all of the masks I wear, all of the different shows I put on for different people, I really am a very simple person at my core. There's a poem by Rilke which describes very well what I'm looking for in my life. It goes like this:

"I'd like to sing someone to sleep,
By someone sit, and be still.
I'd like to rock you and murmur a song
Be with you on the fringes of sleep
Be the one and only awake in the house
Who would know that the night is cold.
I'd like to listen both inside and out,
Into you, and the world, and the woods.
The clocks call out with their toiling bells,
And you can see to the bottom of time.
Down in the street a stranger goes by
And bothers a passing dog.
Behind come silence, I've laid my eyes
On you like an open hand,
And they hold you lightly and let you go,
When something moves in the dark."

Peace, security, safety, love, and happiness. This is what I want from my life.