Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I can't blame the moon

Well, my friends, it's reached that time of my life (and the morning) where I feel the need to release some of my pent-up crazy. For some reason I feel as though the last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me. I feel like I fight my way uphill into contentment and happiness, only to reach the crest and plummet back down again. It could be due to the fact that I'm once again standing in the center of the swirling vortex of change, or it could just be time to release some dammed-up emotion. I honestly don't know, but for some reason I'm sitting here at work, at 3:00 in the morning, pouring out my heart to a computer screen, with tears running down my face.

I tell myself to suck it up, be strong, just keep plugging along. I've got nothing to be sad about. My life is in a good place right now. I have a career that I love, family that I'm close to, friends that I adore (and I'm pretty sure they like me back), and in less than 8 hours I'll be a homeowner. So why do I feel this lingering strain of discontent? In the perfect harmony of my life something keeps striking a wrong note and throwing off the balance.

My fingers itch to write a book, but I don't know what I'd say. Everything I see is a photograph, but I can't bring myself to pick up my camera. All around me I see happiness, joy, love, peace, and comfort, yet I feel strangely apart from it all. Some days it's almost as if I'm watching my life through a window. I experience the things happening around me but am detached in some way. I can't seem to shake the feeling that I'm missing something important.

I know I'm the only person that can change this feeling. If I don't involve myself in my life I could become a permanent observer. I ask myself how to find the happiness that everyone around me seems to have. I know that attitude is a choice, but making myself choose a positive attitude seems so overwhelming most of the time.

I hate feeling this way. I hate being a whiner. I feeling out of control in a situation I should have complete control over.

But most of all I hate it that I can't blame the moon.


Felicity said...

"Buck up little camper! We'll beat this slope together!"
That probably doesn't help, but trust that I like you :)

Sean said...

You definitely get a giant hug from me right now! I'm going to come up this weekend and play with you and Greg. It will be so much fun!

I hope that you start to feel better.

PS I've got something to tell you...

Meg said...

Oh Selkie!!! I think that everyone feels this way at one point or another. My advice (take it or leave it) is to focus on what you know you love and what makes you happy. I believe that happiness attracts other happiness, and if you focus on what good is in your life more good will find it's way to you. I'm jealous that you are a homeowner!! Hang in there!