Sometimes...

There has been some talk lately, both in the blog world and out, of the "love languages". Mine is physical touch. For anyone that knows me, this shouldn't come as a surprise.

There are few things in this world that I love more than holding hands, cuddling up next to someone, or even just a simple hug. It's more than just loving these things, or even just wanting them... Emotionally, mentally, and physically I need these things. In order to feel loved I need someone to actually reach out and touch me. I thrive on it.

My mom and I had a conversation today about a young married couple we know. They've been married 2 years and just had their first baby a few months ago. She commented on the fact that it seems as though the husband has to almost force himself to touch his wife. I never see them hold hands, I never see him put his arm around her, I've never seen them hug, kiss, or show any kind of physical affection.

This got me thinking...if I were in a relationship such as this, would I survive? I venture that I would not. I think that if I were in a relationship without the touch-factor it would die a slow and painful death. Slow, because I'd just keep waiting to see if maybe something would happen, and painful because it would, very quickly, become painful for me.

This also brought on many thoughts of physicality of a different nature. I think a lot of my relationships have relied too heavily on the physical aspect. They've been centered on the making out rather than on the deeper, and quite honestly, more lasting aspects.

So, a few conclusions to draw from above musings:

A-- If I am physically affectionate with you, don't be alarmed. It just means that I want to show you how much I love you as a friend.

B-- When I do finally date someone I need to make sure he's okay with being touched. I don't have much of a personal space bubble.

C-- NCMO's are not good for me.

And that children, is all I will say on this subject. Big kiss to all of you!

I'm freaking hot. 'Nough said.

O, woman, great is thy faith

Today I found a fantastic book. It is called Woman and it was written in 1980 by several of the brethren of the time. I would like to take a few moments to share with you some of my favorite quotes out of this book:



"Women, you are of great strength and support to the men in your lives, and they sometimes need your help most when they are least deserving. A man can have no greater incentive, no greater hope, no greater strength than to know that his mother, his sweetheart, or his wife has confidence in him and loves him. And a man should strive every day to live worthy of that love and confidence." - N. Eldon Tanner



"Girls, prepare yourselves to assume the roles of mothers by gaining knowledge and wisdom through a good education." -N. Eldon Tanner



"I would urge all husbands, fathers, sons, and brothers to show great respect and love and try to be worthy of the women who are our wives, mothers, daughters, sisters, and sweethearts. There is no surer way for a man to show his lack of character, of good breeding, and of quality than for him to show lack of respect for woman." -N. Eldon Tanner



"Since the dawn of creation no aspect of woman's life compares with her divine appointment to be the vessel for the physical birth of a child who has been nurtured within her." -David B. Haight



"...when a mother honors and magnifies her calling, she is preparing for the eternities. She is not only preparing her children for their eternal destiny, but she is also preparing herself to become a queen and a priestess forever." -David B. Haight



"Using her body as the primal home for her unborn child, the woman teaches us the true example of total sacrifice through the care she takes with herself and the unborn child; her preparations in the home in joyful anticipation of its arrival; her months of discomfort and anxiety; her fulfilling daily responsibilities to her family and to others without complaint; her serenity in waiting; and her glorious expectaions. It is from her own mother's love and example that a daughter receives the desire, the hope, the courage, to become herself a mother." -Rex D. Pinegar



"A man will usually strive to become everything the woman he loves desires him to be." -Rex. D. Pinegar



"Without woman ther would be no home, no family circle." -G. Homer Durham



"I would hope that every girl and woman here has the desire and the ambition to qualify in two vocations-- that of homemaking, and that of preparing to earn a living outside the home..." -Sister Camilla Kimball

"Eve-- a daughter of God, one of the spirit offspring of the Almighty Elohim-- was among the noble and great in preexistence. She ranked in spiritual stature, in faith and devotion, in conformity to eternal law with Michael..." -Bruce R. McConkie

"Yes, it is not good for man to be alone because a righteious woman complements what may be lacking in a man's natural personality and disposition." -President Ezra Taft Benson

"The church recognizes that not all women in the Church will have the opportunity for marriage and omtherhood in mortality. Of necessity, some of our sisters have had to choose careers as a means of their own livelihood, and in some instances to provide for their families. But we do not encourage our young women to enter careers as lifelong objectives nhor as alternatives to marriage and family... You were not created to be the same as men." -President Ezra Taft Benson

"Mothers have a sacred role. They are partners with God, as well as with their own husbands, first in giving birth to the Lord's spirit children, and then in rearing those children so they will serve the Lord and keep his commandments. Could there be a more sacred trust than to be a trustee for honorable, well-born, well-developed children?" -President Spencer W. Kimball

"We men know the women of God as wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, associates, and friends. You seem to tame us and to gentle us, and yes, to teach us and to inspire us. For you, we have admiration as well as affection, because righteousness is not a matter of role, nor goodness a matter of gender. In the work of the kingdom, men and women are not without each other..." -Neal A. Maxwell

"We are deeply grateful for their enduring us as men when we are not at our best beause-- like God-- they love us not only for what we are, but for what we have the power to become." -Neal A. Maxwell

"We have speical admiration for the unsung but unsullied single women, among whom are some of the noblest daughters of God. These sisters know that God loves them, individually and distinctly." -Neal A. Maxwell

"Faith is the force of fulfillment for each of us. For a single woman making a life of learning and giving and loving, faith is not a definition, but a condition of confidence in God, held in the mind and heart of a seeking and believing child." -Marion D. Hanks

"The power of faith in Christ's love can transfrom human life from a dreary struggle without meaning into a joyous adventure." -Marion D. Hanks

"Mormon women in their true setting as handmaidens of the Lord are the freest women on earth. They have the greatest opportunity for self-expression and service to others of any women in the world. Why? Because they have the gospel." -Mark E. Petersen

I know I am grateful to all of the amazing women in my life. All of them mothers, sisters, daughters, friends, and sweethearts in their own right. It is my deepest prayer and desire that I, too, can become an elect lady before my Heavenly Father.

I am...

I've been thinking a lot lately about balance. No, I don't mean balance in the physical, don't-fall-on-your-head way, but balance in my everyday life. Sometimes I get so caught up in the day-to-day humdrum of my life that I have to conciously take a step back and take stock of how my balance is. This next little bit of my blog is more for myself than anyone else, so feel free to quit reading at any time. For anyone interested in the inner workings of my head, however, feel free to continue on.

Physical: Okay, I'll be the first one to admit that this one has been shoved to the back burner long enough. I partially blame nursing school for making me the way I am, currently, but I can no longer use that as an excuse. This particular area of my life has been out of balance for far to long. Granted, I have lost weight since returning to Salt Lake, but losing weight isn't enough. I need to set some goals for myself, work hard to accomplish them, and then set some new ones. I want to feel good again.

Mental: I rely too much on others for my mental stability. It's time for me to take responsibility for my own mentality (whether good or bad). I want to be happy with myself just for the sheer fact of being me. I'm well on my way to this, but I still need a little work. It is slow going, learning to truly love oneself, but I know that in the end the peace and balance it will bring to my life will be it's own reward.

Spiritual: Believe it or not, this aspect of my life has been thrown off balance as well. I have no one to blame but myself. I'm resolving right now to do what I can to bring myself closer to my Heavenly Father. It's been quite some time since I've been on a spiritual high, and I think that now is a good time to rediscover this particular aspect of myself. We've just recieved excellent counsel from the brethren and I intend to study it and put it to use in my everyday life.

Temporal: This is the portion of myself that is knocking everything else out of balance, I'm afraid. I've spent the last several weeks and months making sure that I have myself temporally taken care of. I just bought a condo (yay!), have a fairly new job with a promotion in the works, and am finally making enough money to live my temporal life in a comfortable way.

Relationships: Now, this is a very broad category. I use the term "relationships" to span the board from friends, to boyfriends, to family. I'm going to break this particular category into some subcategories for my own organizational fulfillment.
Family: I feel as though my relationship with my family is in a very balanced place, currently. Not only am I near them geographically, but I feel very near them in every sense of the word. We are closer than we have been in a long time and our relationships together are in a very good place. I consider my parents and my siblings some of my best friends and I love spending time with them.
Friends: This is one of the things I feel is currently unbalanced in my life. I feel as though I have to try incredibly hard to keep my some of my friendships alive. Sometimes I feel forgotten, left behind, and like an afterthought. I realize that a lot of this is purely my own insecurities about myself, but they make me feel unimportant, nonetheless. Don't get me wrong, I love all of my friends dearly, but most of them don't live near me. My best friends live in either Ogden (I know, not that far away, but we both work full time), or St. George. I also have many close friends in the Provo area. However, I feel as though I need to make some friends a little bit closer to home. My friendships need some balance.
Romantic-style: This particular aspect of my life is completely out of whack, and unfortunately I feel that there's not much I can do about it. I don't get asked on dates very often, hardly ever in fact. I've heard from several sources that guys like it when girls ask them out on dates...these sources have obviously never seen the way guys react when I ask them out. Now, I realize that I'm not a cookie cutter Utah girl, physically or personality-wise. I'm okay with this. I just wish the guys here would be, too. My romantic life needs to have some balance.

Everything else: Now, I realize that this is an impossibly broad description of the many things that shape and define who I am. I'm going to cover just a few of them.
Hobbies: Since the end of my career as a college student I've had a lot of free time (A new term to me, for sure). I've spent some of this time rediscovering some past and present loves. I've been able to read a lot. My appetite for literature has grown stronger with every book I read. I've been able to pursue my photography. I spent this morning taking pictures of a friend's band. It's been a long time since I've enjoyed myself that much. Not only was I spending time with a great friend, but I was able to do it from behind the lens of my beloved Canon. I've also decided that I'm trying out for the Jenny Phillips choir. I'm very excited about this. It's been several years since I've sung with a choir and I miss it immensely. I've also rediscovered my loves of writing, cooking, and playing in the rain.
My career: I love what I do for a living. Let me say that one more time: I LOVE WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING! I was born to be a nurse. Any other job choice would be absolutely unsuitable for me. I love caring for my patients. I love watching them get better. I love helping people. I love being a shoulder to cry on if necessary. I am a nurse. This is one sector of my life that feels completely in balance, completely in tune, completely whole and complete.

So, my faithful few readers, if you were brave (or bored) enough to make it this far you have now caught a glimpse of the inner workings of my mind. My goal for my life is balance, and I plan on doing what I can to find and keep this balance.

Life is a tightrope act and I refuse to fall, even if there is a safety net.

Much love!

Life as I know it

Well, it's been quite the week. On top of many other goings on I seem to have picked up a cold/sinus infection, so if this all sounds random and disjointed I apologize.

I guess I'll start off with the big news first: For anyone who follows my blog you would know from my last post that I was on the verge of losing my first patient. Shortly after I posted he did pass away. He went very peacefully, seemed calm and at ease for the first time in weeks, and the whole thing was a very interesting experience for me. I guess I never really thought about what a spiritual experience death is. I've been present for several births, which is incredibly awe-inspiring, but this was the first time I've been there for a death. For several days after it occured I couldn't help but feel some guilt. Let me elaborate: generally when a patient is placed on hospice or end-of-life care they are given morphine as a comfort measure. It is the nurses responsibility to push the morphine through the IV line. Well, what the average person doesn't know is that morphine also takes away the human body's drive to breathe. Thus, over time and several doses, it is possible to ease your patient into death. Well, my sweet little patient while in the middle of recieving one of said doses of morphine. Enter guilty feeling number 1: Did I kill my patient? Then, as I learned throughout this process, death is a very private, personal, unique event. This man's family was present throughout the final moments of his life. They were by his side. They were fully invested in his end-of-life care. Guilty feeling number 2: I invaded this family's privacy in their final moments with their husband and father.

Now, granted, after having talked the series of events over with various people I feel much better about the whole situation. I've come to the realization that I did not, in fact, kill my patient. I just aided him on a peaceful journey out of this life and into the next. Also, as a nurse, I've learned to be invisible in difficult situations. After he passed it was my responsibility to remove all of the various lines, tubes, etc in his body. I did so quietly, professionally, and then excused myself. Once the mortuary had come to procure the body, the wonderful, grieving widow came out to the nurses desk, gave me a hug, thanked me for being such a wonderful caretaker for her husband, and most of all thanked me for being unobtrusive and virtually invisible at the last moments. This eased my personal burden somewhat. We cried together for a few moments and then she returned to her daughters. Now, a week later, I have mostly come to terms with that night that has forever changed my life.

Onto other things: Greg and I had our housewarming (Or house-swarming as my dad affectionately calls it) on Sunday. It seemed to go pretty well. We had a pretty good turn out, got some fun housewarming gifts, and just had an all-around good time. There will be pictures to follow shortly.

Well, needless to say, after the all-around week from Hell Greg and I needed to have a little fun, so we took a day-trip to Gardner Village and bought some adorable Halloween decorations. They definitely made our condo feel even more like home. Maybe one of these days I'll get used to living in the same city as my family but in a different house.

And the crowning moment of my week: I went shopping with a good friend on Tuesday, because that's what you do when you're down, and I decided I needed a new, hot pair of jeans. Well, we went into the Gap and were looking around and she grabbed a pair, thrust them at me, and said try them on. I told her there was no way they were going to fit, I hadn't worn that size since probably high school. She said, "Don't make me put them on you myself!" So, I wandered back into the dressing room, and lo and behold: they fit! They look super-hot, too. I made the ass-face. I couldn't help it.

Anyway, kids, that's just a brief (okay, lengthy) update on the wonderful world of Annabelle. Look forward to more in the near future.

Much love!

Accepting my Life Calling

This past week I've truly had to come to terms with my career, my thoughts on death, and myself. Many times throughout the past 3 days I've asked myself, "Are you sure you can do this?" This may be the first time for me, but it definitely will not be the last. People aren't supposed to die on rehab.

I have a patient who is dying. Now, I know what you might say, "Everyone is dying, it's a part of life." This man is actively passing away. Every time I reenter his room I can feel that a little more of his spirit is gone. He is slowly slipping out of this life and into the next. I do everything I can to keep him comfortable and hope that he is resting easily. It is my duty to see that his journey into death is a peaceful one. I don't know that I am emotionally strong enough to handle the magnitude of the situation.

Everytime I enter the room I have to be the strong one. I am now the rock upon which his family is leaning. I hold his wife while she cries. I give what comforting words I can. I say, "Isn't it wonderful what we know, as members of the church, about the Plan of Salvation." It is not enough. I can see that it is not enough.

What do I have to offer this family in their time of need? Me...a brand new nurse, fresh out of college, working at her first real job. Me... who, although I have experienced death in my own life, have never felt it's truly personal touch. Me. Just me. That's all I can offer. And yet again I know that it is not enough.

And so here I sit, at work, in the middle of the night. I cry. I fight the feeling. And yet, I know... nursing is my life calling. It is who I am. It is what I am. It is where I need to be. And so "just me" will have to be good enough.

...And that scares me

Sometimes I wonder what happened in my life to make me so jaded. When I look back on the things that I've experienced, the people I've known, and the choices I've made I see no reason for my mind to process things the way it does. Unfortunately, for some unknown reason, at the tender age of 22 years old I am jaded.

I had a few unusual experiences this week. Well, unusual for me, that is. The first of these was that I held the 2 month old child of a friend. Her name is Eden and she is one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. Now, that sentiment alone is nearly a miracle coming from me because I have a small confession to make: babies under the age of about 9 months terrify me. I don't know why this is, and I understand that it's a totally irrational fear, but there you have it nonetheless. I will hold babies, I will coo at them along with every other warm-blooded female in the room, I'll comment on how precious they are...but if there's a baby in my arms you can guarantee that I'm planning an escape route in my head. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to being a mother someday...but someday is the key word there. I know that emotionally and maturity-wise I'm in no condition for birthing and raising children right now. I guess I can take small consolation in the fact that at least I understand this about myself. Anyway, back to Eden: as I was holding her I slowly came to the realization in my head that I wasn't terrified of her. In fact, I was reluctant to give her back to her mother. I would have been perfectly content to stand on my front lawn all night long rocking her in my arms and singing her love songs from the 70's. Weird.

The second unusual experience I've had this week (and this has been lingering unneccesarily long) is that I've had the growing desire to be married. I have no idea where this is coming from, I've honestly never felt this particular aching before. I can't shake it. Every morning I wake up and it almost brings me to tears to realize that I'm alone in my bed, that there's not a "Good morning, Beautiful" waiting for me from a husband. I see my friends with their spouses and a slight (but ever increasing) whispering inside me says, "I want that!" I spent some time on temple square this week and watched the newly married couples exiting the temple and they were glowing. I want to glow.

I know, it will happen when it's right. I know that I'm not ready right now. Logically I understand all of this. But in my heart, in my most vulnerable place I want a husband and a family of my own...and that scares me more than anything else.