Thursday, October 4, 2007

Accepting my Life Calling

This past week I've truly had to come to terms with my career, my thoughts on death, and myself. Many times throughout the past 3 days I've asked myself, "Are you sure you can do this?" This may be the first time for me, but it definitely will not be the last. People aren't supposed to die on rehab.

I have a patient who is dying. Now, I know what you might say, "Everyone is dying, it's a part of life." This man is actively passing away. Every time I reenter his room I can feel that a little more of his spirit is gone. He is slowly slipping out of this life and into the next. I do everything I can to keep him comfortable and hope that he is resting easily. It is my duty to see that his journey into death is a peaceful one. I don't know that I am emotionally strong enough to handle the magnitude of the situation.

Everytime I enter the room I have to be the strong one. I am now the rock upon which his family is leaning. I hold his wife while she cries. I give what comforting words I can. I say, "Isn't it wonderful what we know, as members of the church, about the Plan of Salvation." It is not enough. I can see that it is not enough.

What do I have to offer this family in their time of need? Me...a brand new nurse, fresh out of college, working at her first real job. Me... who, although I have experienced death in my own life, have never felt it's truly personal touch. Me. Just me. That's all I can offer. And yet again I know that it is not enough.

And so here I sit, at work, in the middle of the night. I cry. I fight the feeling. And yet, I know... nursing is my life calling. It is who I am. It is what I am. It is where I need to be. And so "just me" will have to be good enough.


Greg-o said...

I hate this week. We should commemorate it somehow. And brownies should be involved.