Monday, October 1, 2007

...And that scares me

Sometimes I wonder what happened in my life to make me so jaded. When I look back on the things that I've experienced, the people I've known, and the choices I've made I see no reason for my mind to process things the way it does. Unfortunately, for some unknown reason, at the tender age of 22 years old I am jaded.

I had a few unusual experiences this week. Well, unusual for me, that is. The first of these was that I held the 2 month old child of a friend. Her name is Eden and she is one of the most beautiful babies I've ever seen. Now, that sentiment alone is nearly a miracle coming from me because I have a small confession to make: babies under the age of about 9 months terrify me. I don't know why this is, and I understand that it's a totally irrational fear, but there you have it nonetheless. I will hold babies, I will coo at them along with every other warm-blooded female in the room, I'll comment on how precious they are...but if there's a baby in my arms you can guarantee that I'm planning an escape route in my head. Don't get me wrong, I look forward to being a mother someday...but someday is the key word there. I know that emotionally and maturity-wise I'm in no condition for birthing and raising children right now. I guess I can take small consolation in the fact that at least I understand this about myself. Anyway, back to Eden: as I was holding her I slowly came to the realization in my head that I wasn't terrified of her. In fact, I was reluctant to give her back to her mother. I would have been perfectly content to stand on my front lawn all night long rocking her in my arms and singing her love songs from the 70's. Weird.

The second unusual experience I've had this week (and this has been lingering unneccesarily long) is that I've had the growing desire to be married. I have no idea where this is coming from, I've honestly never felt this particular aching before. I can't shake it. Every morning I wake up and it almost brings me to tears to realize that I'm alone in my bed, that there's not a "Good morning, Beautiful" waiting for me from a husband. I see my friends with their spouses and a slight (but ever increasing) whispering inside me says, "I want that!" I spent some time on temple square this week and watched the newly married couples exiting the temple and they were glowing. I want to glow.

I know, it will happen when it's right. I know that I'm not ready right now. Logically I understand all of this. But in my heart, in my most vulnerable place I want a husband and a family of my own...and that scares me more than anything else.